Father Ted (TV Series)
The Plague (1996)
Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly
Quotes
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[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Len Brennan : Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted Crilly : Oh feck!
Bishop Len Brennan : What?
Father Ted Crilly : Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted Crilly : God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal McGuire : Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted Crilly : It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[the phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Bishop Len Brennan : Crilly.
Father Ted Crilly : Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Bishop Len Brennan : Shut up, Crilly, just shut up!
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Father Dougal McGuire : Come on Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly : What did you call him?
Father Dougal McGuire : Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly : Why?
Father Dougal McGuire : Well, you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.
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Father Jack Hackett : Hey,hey,hey you!
Father Ted Crilly : Yes Father?
Father Jack Hackett : Rats!
Father Ted Crilly : Yes, Father; we can see them as well.
Father Jack Hackett : Hairy Japanese Bastards!
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Bishop Len Brennan : And you have...?
Father Ted Crilly : Ah, yes. The rope. I'd like to see him chew through this... Again.
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Father Dougal McGuire : C'mon Ted,think. Where's the last place you'd think I'd put them?
Father Ted Crilly : Wwll, I suppose that the last place I'd think you'd put them would be... would actually be... Bishop Brennan's room. Dougal: Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!
Father Dougal McGuire : Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!
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Father Ted Crilly : Well, we'll have to do it in shifts; get them out of the house and as far away as possible.
Father Dougal McGuire : Why can't we just leave them here?
Father Ted Crilly : Because, Dougal, my nerves are shot and I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls.
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[When thinking of a name for Dougals rabbit]
Father Dougal McGuire : I've got one. You see how he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place? Well why don't we call him Father Jack Haggit.
Father Ted Crilly : [sarcastically] Perfect. 'Father Jack' it is.
Father Jack Hackett : WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly : Oh nothing Father. Dougals just named his rabbit after you.
Father Jack Hackett : WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire : Are you alright 'Father Jack'?
Father Jack Hackett : WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly : He's not talking to you. He's talking to the rabbit.
Father Jack Hackett : WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire : I think 'Father Jack' needs a Drink.
Father Jack Hackett : DRINK DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly : Lets give him water.
Father Jack Hackett : WATER? FECK!
Father Ted Crilly : It's getting far to confusing.
Father Dougal McGuire : I've gotten use to calling him 'Father Jack'. Cant we call Father Jack something else?
Father Ted Crilly : Alright then 'Flipper', 'Flipper the priest'
Father Jack Hackett : YES!
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Bishop Len Brennan : Um... Crilly what is this?
[Points to big pile of rabbit droppings on the floor]
Father Ted Crilly : That's um... Caviar.
Bishop Len Brennan : Caviar?
Father Ted Crilly : Yes, well it's not everyday we have a bishop around, so we thought we'd get the Caviar out.
Bishop Len Brennan : Right so what you've done is, you've spread some Caviar down there so i can get on my hands and eat it off the floor.
Father Ted Crilly : ...Yes
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[Ted screams at the sight of all the rabbits]
Father Dougal McGuire : What's wrong Ted?
Father Ted Crilly : Rabbits!
Father Dougal McGuire : Wher- oh wow.
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Father Dougal McGuire : Ted! Did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Len Brennan : What did he say?
Father Ted Crilly : Well er...
Bishop Len Brennan : Did he call me Len again?
[shouts downstairs]
Bishop Len Brennan : You address me by my proper title you little bollocks!
Father Dougal McGuire : Sorry er... Father Len Brennan.
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Father Ted Crilly : D'you know what this is like, Dougal? It's like some sort of plague... A big rabbit plague... I wonder if God is punishing us, or something... Maybe because I said "feck" to Bishop Brennan.
Father Dougal McGuire : God, if he'd send a plague of rabbits just because you said "feck" to Bishop Brennan, imagine what'll he do when he finds out about all the money you stole from that charity?