Frasier (TV Series)

Leapin' Lizards (1995)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• [Frasier's phone rings. Bulldog is calling from his show, using a snooty voice] 

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado".

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my "Yum-Yum!"

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, let me see. Of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but, um...

  [high-pitched voice] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a schoolgirl well well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"

  [Martin enters with his radio, laughing] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!

  Martin : You sure are. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air!

  [laughs] 

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : [normal voice]  Sayonara, Doc!

• Martin : Hey Niles, you're not going to believe what happened to Frasier.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, I heard the whole thing.

  [laughs] 

  Martin : You listen to Bulldog's program?

  Dr. Niles Crane : [deadpan]  Yes, Dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

  [laughs] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no, it was on at the vet's.

• Martin : You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bullet proof vest with a big lacey bra, I knew I was one of the guys.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a nagging question for me concerning the night you were shot!

• Martin : Hey Niles, you're not going to believe what happened to Frasier.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, I heard the whole thing.

  [laughs] 

  Martin : You listen to Bulldog's program?

  Dr. Niles Crane : [deadpan]  Yes, Dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

• Martin : Bulldog's a funny guy.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : And I'm not funny?

  Martin : Uhhh...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I don't believe this!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well now, obviously Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board and turned them into wickedly derisive anagrams!

  [with Frasier] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Sidney Assbasket!

  [they all break into laughter] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Now you see, Dad, I made you laugh.

  Martin : No, I'm looking at Eddie.