Frasier (TV Series)

Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven (1996)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Frasier : [to Niles]  Thank God for the starch in that shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright!

• Niles : Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three confirmed guests.

  Frasier : Three? Yesterday it was twelve.

  Niles : She's circulating a vicious rumour that I'm going to have a karaoke machine.

• Frasier : Do you remember a time when I was... oh, six or seven years old, and you were getting ready for work, and you were getting dressed. I was playing with your badge, and you sat me down, and you said that it was not a toy, that it was a symbol of something very important - of integrity, and honesty, and helping people... Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge, I would, uh, I would think of that.

  Martin : I just said it so you'd stop playing with the damn thing. You were getting it all sticky.

  Frasier : Yeah, well, be that as it may... I've tried to live up to your example, and help other people. I've tried, as a psychiatrist, to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer. And, when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge, and then I know what I have to do. You gave me that.

• Martin : Hey, wait a minute. You didn't think I was going to give you my badge, did you? You'll have to pry that out of my cold, dead hands.

  Frasier : It's a date.

• Niles : You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends?

  Frasier : Oh, yes: the one I wasn't invited to, but my Waterford punch bowl was.

• Niles : [on the telephone]  Oh, how dreadful.... You poor thing!... No, of course I understand. The important thing is that you get better. You are a dear for calling...

  [hangs up] 

  Niles : ... you lying, two-faced cow!

  Frasier : So, she's not really sick?

  Niles : Oh, hardly. Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests. Suddenly, there are accidents, deaths in the family - a wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution!

• Frasier : The next time we go to see a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, not only may you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there.

  Martin : Well, I'm only mad because we had an agreement. Now, a man's supposed to honor his agreement, didn't you learn anything from that movie?

  Frasier : Yes, only that bullets are useless against a man who can kick really high.

• Frasier : The little white lies one will tell for a good table. Of course, I would compliment a black velvet Elvis right now if Chef Wakim's lobster comfit were at stake!

• Niles : [about Maris]  She's already flown in a sculpter from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.

  Frasier : Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

• Niles : Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer?

  Frasier : Yes, why?

  Niles : Sven just finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced she looks a bit "hippy."

• Frasier : Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times you've given her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength.

  Niles : Don't pour that sherry on your shirt - it will stain.

  Frasier : What?

  Niles : Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.

• Frasier : You know, Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile, I'm afraid you're going down a path that ...

  Niles : You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket!

  Frasier : Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me that I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?

  Niles : That, too.