- Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Niles. You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
- Dr. Niles Crane: You're a good brother, too.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad! Dad! I can't read my paper! Eddie keeps staring at me!
- Martin Crane: Just ignore him.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm trying to!
- Martin Crane: I'm talking to the dog!
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Okay, where's my Cosell tape? Someone stole my Cosell tape! This stinks! This is total B.S.! This is-oh, here it is.
- [Frasier is unintentionally overhearing Roz talk on the phone]
- Roz: Gary? I broke up with him three weeks ago... The sex was OK, but he was kind of limited... No, no, no, it wasn't that Gary was bad in bed. I mean, he knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them were his... Yes. Totally passionless. It was like he was thinking of someone else... I know I was... Somebody's here, I gotta go... All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye, Mom.
- Daphne Moon: Remind me again. Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: The brown one.
- Martin Crane: [starting a timed discussion] So, how about those Seahawks?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [pings timer] No sports.
- Martin Crane: Okay, no opera.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't read my book. I can't have my coffee. I can't have any peace in my own home.
- Dr. Niles Crane: So, what you're saying is that you want to be closer to Dad. You just don't actually want him around.
- [about "eggs in a nest"]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, yes, the Crane family specialty. Two fat-fried eggs, dripping with grease, swimming in fat, with thick pieces of bacon and mayonaise on a piece of white bread, no crust. I can practically hear my left ventricle slamming shut even as we speak.
- Leonard: [on the phone/on the air] ... now I'm afraid to go outside at all. I haven't seen another person in eight months.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious condition known as agoraphobia, but you're not alone.
- Leonard: But I am alone, Dr. Crane.
- Martin Crane: You want to establish this great father-son relationship. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple of days.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: A couple of years, eh?
- Martin Crane: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.
- Martin Crane: What do you say to a beer?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'd love to have a beer with you, Dad.
- Martin Crane: Well, then you'd better haul ass. The store closes in ten minutes.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Imitating The Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz] I'll get him for this. And his little dog, too!
- [It is morning at Frasier's apartment. Frasier, still half asleep, walks in to the living room wearing a robe. Meanwhile, Daphne is busy cleaning the dining table]
- [opening lines]
- Daphne Moon: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Not a morning person, are we? Well, never you mind. I am. Can't very well be a good health care provider if you're not up with the cock. I've already taken your father for his morning constitutional. Such a remarkable man - thirty years on the police force. I can understand why you'd want him to live here, although not many sons would do that, not without getting paid for it. Anyway, coffee's made, and I took the liberty of doing a shop. They don't serve much tripe in Seattle, do they?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [still tired] And you are...?
- Daphne Moon: Daphne. Daphne Moon. I moved in yesterday. You hired me to take care of your father.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [realizing] Of course. You'll have to forgive me, I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered.
- Daphne Moon: Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions. I, for instance, can't stand myself 'til I floss all that gunk out of my teeth...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [interrupting] Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis? Thank you.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad will you... Listen, I don't want to offend, but if you wouldn't mind, could you just leave me alone, let me read my book?
- Martin Crane: No problem.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Martin sits quietly, not looking as Frasier reads. This finally irks Frasier] What are you doing?
- Martin Crane: I'm leaving you alone.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's very annoying!