Frasier (TV Series)
The Show Where Sam Shows Up (1995)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Quotes
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[correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin : [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone : Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin : [surprised] Dead?
Frasier : Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone : [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam Malone : You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier : [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter?
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Frasier : [after meeting Sam's fiancee, Sheila] Oh, my god.
Roz Doyle : She was cute, but she's not an 'oh, my god.'
Frasier : No, no, no. Not that 'oh, my god.' Oh. my god I slept with that woman three months ago.
Roz Doyle : [Niles and Roz gape at him] *You* slept with *her*?
Frasier : Yes!
Niles : On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?
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Frasier : What the hell you do mean, you were about to get married?
Sam Malone : All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six months ago, and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday, I was standing in this church facing this minister, and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" Well, the next thing you know, I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running until I got here.
Frasier : So you're not in Seattle because of the Mariners.
Sam Malone : Believe me, no ballplayer is in Seattle because of the Mariners.
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Frasier : All right, all right, look, look, Sam, come, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. Now, who is this woman?
Sam Malone : Ah, she's a terrific person. She's smart, and she's funny; she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier : You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
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Sam Malone : I'll tell you, man: She's one in million.
Frasier : You know, for most guys that's just an expression.
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Niles : Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Frasier : Well, of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everybody. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.
Niles : [hearing Daphne giggling in the kitchen] Did he miss a meeting?
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[first lines]
Frasier : So, that's our show for today. Don't forget, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco is up next and... oh, yes. This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 when you answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your phone rings, don't say "hello", say...
[Frasier sees Sam outside the studio]
Frasier : Well, blow me down! No, no, no, no! Just, uh, say, uh, "KACL is the talk of the town." Talk of Seattle, whatever. Bye-bye.
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Roz Doyle : [entering from booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... whoa, who is this?
Sam Malone : I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier : This is Roz Doyle.
Roz Doyle : [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt?
[to Sam]
Roz Doyle : Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam Malone : Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier : Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz Doyle : Well, if you need any company, give me a call. Here's my number.
Sam Malone : Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier : Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz Doyle : So do I.
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Frasier : So, who's Sheila?
Sam Malone : Just the um... woman I'm supposed to marry.
Frasier : Marry? When?
Sam Malone : Uh, oh boy, um, yesterday.
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Sam Malone : Hey, you know, here's some good news: Woody and Kelly, they had a baby boy.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, that is wonderful!
[pauses]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Is he...?
Sam Malone : [long pause] No, he's smart. He's smart.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh! Well, genetics takes a holiday, huh?
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Sheila : I'm a sexual compulsive. It's how Sam and I met, in group. Look, that night I spent with you, I guess I just kind of fell off the wagon. What I did was terrible. I felt awful afterwards. It ended up being a kind of turning point for me. That's how it is with addiction; before you get better you have to hit rock bottom.
Frasier : Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there for you.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?
Sam Malone : Oh, wow. Uh, well, let's see... you know that Rebecca finally married that plumber?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it? You know, she spends all her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with an ordinary plumber.
Sam Malone : Well, that ordinary plumber struck gold. He's got a patent on some low-flow toilet thing. I mean, he's rich beyond her wildest dreams.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Sam Malone : Well, don't be - he dumped her. She's back at the bar.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Working at Cheers again?
Sam Malone : No, she's just back at the bar.
