- Melissa Simpson: Edgar loved to laugh... he loved to breathe too. But at the end, he had to make a choice!
- Melissa Simpson: Oh, Thomas, you're such a loyal friend. I can't understand why everyone says lawyers are such scum!
- Robb Harper: Gene's using his video camera to make me look ridiculous.
- Winnie Goodwinn: Since when does he need a camera to do that?
- Thomas J. Harper: We're staying in separate rooms, of course.
- Melissa Simpson: Actually, they're adjoining rooms. You know, in case we find it necessary to...
- Winnie Goodwinn: Adjoin?
- Melissa Simpson: Thomas, my sources indicate the woman doesn't exist. She has no credit rating, no social security number... no voter registration!
- Thomas J. Harper: So she didn't vote in the last election -- look who was running!
- Thomas J. Harper: Really, Winnie! The woman is still in mourning.
- Winnie Goodwinn: I guess that explains the black bra.
- Winnie Goodwinn: So Melissa, what would you like for dinner?
- Melissa Simpson: Oh, I'm easy.
- Winnie Goodwinn: I know!
- Winnie Goodwinn: Oh, she is such a phony!
- Jessie Harper: Why can't Dad just see through her?
- Robb Harper: Trust me, he's trying!
- Melissa Simpson: Thomas, can I be frank?
- Thomas J. Harper: Please.
- Melissa Simpson: You're very attractive...
- Thomas J. Harper: Oh, thank you.
- Melissa Simpson: But I hate the way you dress. Edgar was buried in a snappier jacket!
- Thomas J. Harper: Melissa, I'm speechless.
- Melissa Simpson: Good. Then I won't have to listen to anymore of your stupid jokes!
- Thomas J. Harper: You laughed at my jokes.
- Melissa Simpson: Hey, I cried at Edgar's funeral!