Friends (TV Series)

The One with the Lottery (2003)

Matthew Perry: Chandler Bing

Photos 

Quotes 

• Monica Geller-Bing : [about Emma]  How do you know she's gonna start talking?

  Rachel Green : Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.

  Chandler Bing : Kind of like Joey...

• Joey Tribbiani : Well before, with the wishbone, I didn't wish we would win the lottery. I wished you'd get the job.

  Chandler Bing : Oh yeah? Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart out.

• [the friends enter Monica's apartment, counting lottery tickets and looking disappointed, except Phoebe, who looks happy] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [quite pleased]  What a beautiful night to be running around the street looking for tickets... and the wind sure made it fun!

  Monica Geller-Bing : [as-a-matter-of-factly]  Phoebe, we lost half of them.

  Phoebe Buffay : [reasoning]  So what? Monica, we *have* the winning ticket! My Psychic said I was gonna win, remember?

  Dr. Ross Geller : [on the contrary]  Weird, your Psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon.

  Phoebe Buffay : [defensively and then annoyed]  As a matter of fact, she that's how I'm going to die... so, excuse me for being a little skittish!

  Chandler Bing : [looks at the answering machine]  Hey, there's two messages. This could be from work!

  Monica Geller-Bing : [as Chandler goes over to the answering machine]  Oh, play them.

  Chandler Bing : OK. Here we go.

  [Chandler presses the button and the answering machine beeps once] 

  Answering Machine : [Phoebe's voice]  Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise.

  [Chandler, Monica, Rachel and Ross look at Phoebe, who calmly acts as though she has nothing to do with it] 

  Answering Machine : [Phoebe's voice]  I sh-I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo.

  [everyone looks at Phoebe, who calmly acts innocent] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [simply]  Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.

• Monica Geller-Bing : [eagerly]  We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won! So does anyone have any ideas how to organise this?

  [Joey is about to answer but Monica suddenly continues speaking] 

  Monica Geller-Bing : OK how about this: We divide them into 6 groups of 40. The remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

  Rachel Green : [raises her hand]  Ooh I have another idea.

  Monica Geller-Bing : [smartly]  I'm sorry. Idea Time is over.

  [disappointed, Rachel lowers her hand] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [checking the tickets in Monica's glass bowl]  OK. Well are *all* the tickets in the bowl?

  Monica Geller-Bing : Yeah.

  Chandler Bing : What about the ones you have on the nightstand?

  Monica Geller-Bing : There are no tickets on the nightstand.

  Chandler Bing : Yes there are. I just saw them a few minutes ago.

  [Ross silently gestures to Rachel to look in Monica's bedroom, which she does] 

  Monica Geller-Bing : [trying to sound innocent]  Ah... no you didn't. You must be mistaken.

  Chandler Bing : Honey, there were like 20 tickets on the nightstand.

  Monica Geller-Bing : [firmly]  Chandler, sense the tone.

• Rachel Green : [suspicious]  OK. Well Monica, suppose one of your *special * tickets wins. How are you gonna feel when you win the Lottery but lose all your friends?

  Monica Geller-Bing : [sarcastically]  Oh please! If I win the Lottery, you guys are *not* gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

  Rachel Green : [crossly]  Chandler! Would you just tell her what she did was wrong?

  Chandler Bing : [calmly to Monica]  She's right. You shouldn't have bought tickets just for us.

  [Monica gasps] 

  Chandler Bing : [calmly]  Let me finish.

  [Chandler turns to the others] 

  Chandler Bing : [suddenly smug]  However, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles so SCREW YOU! THE TICKETS ARE OURS!

  [as Chandler speaks, he gets up, suddenly snatches the extra tickets from Rachel and stands next to Monica] 

  Monica Geller-Bing : [proudly]  There's the man I married!

  [Monica high-fives Chandler, taking him by surprise] 

• Rachel Green : [to Monica]  All right! Believe me, if you win the Lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!

  Dr. Ross Geller : [in agreement]  Hmm-mm.

  Monica Geller-Bing : [offended]  Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'll look *just like you*!

  [Joey and Rachel gasp] 

  Rachel Green : [picks up the bowl containing the tickets]  All right! You know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

  Joey Tribbiani : [takes the bowl from Rachel]  Yeah! I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks and Steffi Graf! Ha! Ha!

  Dr. Ross Geller : [grabs the bowl from Joey]  Then I want mine too and if I win, I'm gonna put it *all* in a very low yield bond!

  Phoebe Buffay : [gets up]  You guys, we gotta keep all the tickets *together*!

  [Phoebe takes the tickets from Chandler, then takes the bowl from Ross and puts the tickets in] 

  Monica Geller-Bing : [takes the bowl from Phoebe]  No! No! We should divide them up and I should get extra because we used *my* car to buy them!

  Joey Tribbiani : [angrily walks over to Monica and takes the bowl from her]  Hey! Hey! If anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This whole thing was my idea!

  Chandler Bing : [sarcastically]  Oh yeah! Thanks for *inventing* the Lottery!

• Rachel Green : [impatiently walks over to Joey]  That's it! Just give 'em to me and I'll split them up!

  [Rachel pinches Joey and takes the bowl from him, but Phoebe suddenly screams, takes the bowl from Rachel and starts running] 

  Dr. Ross Geller : [to Phoebe]  Hey! Hey!

  [Phoebe screams at Ross, who puts his fingers in his ears as she runs past him and stops near the window next to the secret closet] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [exasperated]  I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this!

  [Phoebe runs to the window] 

  Rachel Green : [calls]  OK! If she jumps, I get her tickets!

  [Phoebe climbs though the open window onto the balcony as the friends run to the window] 

  Phoebe Buffay : If we're not doing this together, we're not doing it at all! Say goodbye to your tickets.

  [Phoebe holds the bowl over the side of the balcony] 

  Monica Geller-Bing , Rachel Green , Chandler Bing , Dr. Ross Geller , Joey Tribbiani : [stuck in the open window]  No! No! No! No!

  Phoebe Buffay : [warning]  Do not come any closer!

  Chandler Bing : Can I come a little bit closer? Valuable things are getting squished.

  Phoebe Buffay : [very firmly]  Now what's more important? Your friends or money?

  Rachel Green , Chandler Bing , Dr. Ross Geller , Joey Tribbiani : Friends!

  Monica Geller-Bing : Money!

  [everyone looks at Monica] 

  Monica Geller-Bing : [trying to look innocent]  Friends.