Tracey Ullman: Candice

Quotes 

• [Shelley runs to the tanning bedroom with her fur coat] 

  Candice : [sees the receptionist]  Excuse me, have you seen a redheaded wreck anywhere?

  Receptionist : No.

  [the receptionist sees Shelley pigging out in the room] 

  Receptionist : [screams]  AAAAAHHHH! Get her out, it's disgusting, get her out! That's breaking all the house rules!

  Candice : [sees this]  Shell!

  Receptionist : I'm sorry, we don't allow cholesterol in this club! Shelley, you're banned!

• Shelley : [storms in the room, totally depressed]  Okay, crisis! There's been a burglary in the fridge! I had TWELVE cans of Single-Cal in there, and now I have ELEVEN! And it wouldn't take Kojak to figure out who's the hoover of the eats world around here, Amanda!

  Amanda : Excuse me, is that an official accusation? I mean, are you calling me a thief? Because all property is theft in my book, Shelley. Well, it's not my book, I mean, it's the people's book...

  Shelley : Okay, spill, Amanda!

  Amanda : Look, Shelley, I would not drink something that has been scientifically proven to KILL laboratory rats!

  Shelley : [yells]  It has one calorie, lay off!

  Candice : [yells sarcastically, American accent]  IT HAS ONE CALORIE, LAY OFF!

  Shelley : [loses it]  THAT'S IT! I am SICK of hearing my accent vandalized around here! I have trained my resonators to sound like this! THIS IS STANDARD BBC QUEEN'S TONGUE ENGLISH! OKAY!

  [Amanda and Candice cover their ears from her screaming as Shelley bolts into her bedroom]