- Blanche Devereaux: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
- Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
- Blanche Devereaux: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: George.
- Blanche Devereaux: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
- Rose Nylund: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
- Blanche Devereaux: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
- Rose Nylund: George.
- Blanche Devereaux: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
- Albert: George.
- Blanche Devereaux: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking through Blanche's boudier calendar] Whoa!
- Blanche Devereaux: September?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yep!
- Sophia Petrillo: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.
- Airport Mendicant: Excuse me. Would you like to buy a flower?
- Sophia Petrillo: Beat it, chrome-dome! And while you're at it, get a job! Get a suit! And get on your knees and beg your mother's forgiveness!
- Rose Nylund: We could have an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, I am not going to drink eggnog while wearing a metal brassiere.
- Rose Nylund: We don't do that at Christmas, Dorothy, we do that at Easter.
- Rose Nylund: Sophia, look out, he has a gun!
- Sophia Petrillo: [steals the gun from Santa] This is a toy!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't believe it!
- Sophia Petrillo: Neither do I, you call yourself an Italian and you can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Where is the Christmas spirit?
- Sophia Petrillo: Neiman Marcus, third floor, ladies apparel.
- Sophia Petrillo: [Walking into the holdup] Half an hour alone in that car, what do I look like, a dachshund?