Hogan's Heroes (TV Series)
Clearance Sale at the Black Market (1968)
Gavin MacLeod: Major Kiegel
Photos
Quotes
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Col. Klink : Major Kiegel, I don't understand. What has the Gestapo got to do with Luftwaffe personnel?
Major Kiegel : Colonel... Berlin has issued a new directive. Our orders are to find men of the home front and see that they are transferred to active duty in combat unit.
Col. Klink : Transferred to combat units? That's another way of saying "Eastern Front."
Major Kiegel : So it is.
Col. Klink : But why the Gestapo? That's outrageous!
Major Kiegel : You think so, do you?
Col. Klink : I intend to appeal this to the high command. Even to the Fuhrer if necessary!
Major Kiegel : Colonel! The Fuhrer does not even know you are alive! You may... not be...
Col. Klink : I'm beginning to see what you're driving at.
Major Kiegel : That is better.
Col. Klink : But, uh, you're wasting you're time, sir. My men are not exactly what you would call front-line fighting caliber.
Major Kiegel : How do you classify them?
Col. Klink : Well, uh... they're the dregs.
Major Kiegel : Really?
Col. Klink : But the finest dregs in all of Germany!
Major Kiegel : You seem to manage.
Col. Klink : [slams his hand against the desk] I can assure you, Major Kiegel, that it is my spirit, my iron will that has made this the most secure camp in all of Germany! I could run this place single-handed if I wanted to, and I...
[Kiegel looks at Klink]
Col. Klink : You want to see a roster of the men?
Major Kiegel : I already have it.
Col. Klink : Oh, I always said you are a marvelously efficient officer.
Major Kiegel : Thank you. Now, there is a great shortage of non-commissioned officers on our fighting front. What about this Sergeant Schultz? Has he started?
Col. Klink : Him? In a combat unit?
[laughs]
Col. Klink : He couldn't fight his way out of Kindergarten.
Major Kiegel : He IS a Sergeant?
Col. Klink : Yes. He's also a big, fat tub of jelly! Impossible!
Major Kiegel : The Russian Front is not a beauty contest!
Col. Klink : Yes, but Sergeant Schultz...
Major Kiegel : Even Colonels who wear monocles are needed!
Col. Klink : But that's another matter. I... What would they be doing there?
[Major Kiegel glares at Klink]
Col. Klink : I think Sergeant Schultz is a marvelous choice.