- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Schultz tells about his evening] Don't just stand there, Schultz. Come on, tell us about it.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well, she let me kiss her - affectionately, you know?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You, uh, put your arms around her?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You said it, big boy.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: All the way around? She must be an orangutan.
- Col. Klink: Major Kiegel, I don't understand. What has the Gestapo got to do with Luftwaffe personnel?
- Major Kiegel: Colonel... Berlin has issued a new directive. Our orders are to find men of the home front and see that they are transferred to active duty in combat unit.
- Col. Klink: Transferred to combat units? That's another way of saying "Eastern Front."
- Major Kiegel: So it is.
- Col. Klink: But why the Gestapo? That's outrageous!
- Major Kiegel: You think so, do you?
- Col. Klink: I intend to appeal this to the high command. Even to the Fuhrer if necessary!
- Major Kiegel: Colonel! The Fuhrer does not even know you are alive! You may... not be...
- Col. Klink: I'm beginning to see what you're driving at.
- Major Kiegel: That is better.
- Col. Klink: But, uh, you're wasting you're time, sir. My men are not exactly what you would call front-line fighting caliber.
- Major Kiegel: How do you classify them?
- Col. Klink: Well, uh... they're the dregs.
- Major Kiegel: Really?
- Col. Klink: But the finest dregs in all of Germany!
- Major Kiegel: You seem to manage.
- Col. Klink: [slams his hand against the desk] I can assure you, Major Kiegel, that it is my spirit, my iron will that has made this the most secure camp in all of Germany! I could run this place single-handed if I wanted to, and I...
- [Kiegel looks at Klink]
- Col. Klink: You want to see a roster of the men?
- Major Kiegel: I already have it.
- Col. Klink: Oh, I always said you are a marvelously efficient officer.
- Major Kiegel: Thank you. Now, there is a great shortage of non-commissioned officers on our fighting front. What about this Sergeant Schultz? Has he started?
- Col. Klink: Him? In a combat unit?
- [laughs]
- Col. Klink: He couldn't fight his way out of Kindergarten.
- Major Kiegel: He IS a Sergeant?
- Col. Klink: Yes. He's also a big, fat tub of jelly! Impossible!
- Major Kiegel: The Russian Front is not a beauty contest!
- Col. Klink: Yes, but Sergeant Schultz...
- Major Kiegel: Even Colonels who wear monocles are needed!
- Col. Klink: But that's another matter. I... What would they be doing there?
- [Major Kiegel glares at Klink]
- Col. Klink: I think Sergeant Schultz is a marvelous choice.
- Col. Klink: You're not exactly what I would call a perfect physical specimen.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Now you're on the right track.
- Col. Klink: You have something much more important than physical perfection. You have a fighting spirit.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I'll get rid of it.
- Col. Klink: In these times, my boy, a man in uniform has two choices. Either he fights, or he's called a coward.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I'd rather be a coward.