Home Improvement (TV Series)

The Long and Winding Road: Part 1 (1999)

Richard Karn: Al Borland

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Borland : Sorry I'm late. I was packing up Mother's house.

  Tim Taylor : That must've been hard for you, Al.

  Al Borland : Well, I got through it okay, but then Trudy came over, and we were going over the guest list for the wedding and I got this panic attack. I think I'm going through pre-marital stress.

  Tim Taylor : Ah, PMS.

• Morgan Wondell : Hey, guys. Excited about my big idea for today's show?

  Tim Taylor : How can we be excited about a show where we just talk, Morgan?

  Morgan Wondell : No, no. It's not just talk. It's Tim talk. And when Tim talks, people listen.

  Tim Taylor : Don't kiss up to me. That job is reserved for Borland.

  Al Borland : Yeah. You're gonna have to stand in line, pal.

• Al Borland : Butch, why don't you tell us all what you're into?

  Butch : Lubrication. I believe a good home is a quiet home. No squeaks, creaks or hums. So, I always keep a can or two of oil on hand.

  Sue : [scoffs]  A can or two? He oils everything we own. He's like the

  [bleep] 

  Sue : Tin Man.

  Tim Taylor : Hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's just try to settle down, okay?

  Al Borland : Tim's right. We don't allow off-color language on this show.

  Butch : That's right, Sue. So, shut your

  [bleep] 

  Butch : mouth.

  Tim Taylor : Would you?

  Sue : Oh, yeah?

  [Bleep, bleep] 

  Sue : And the horse you rode in on.

  Tim Taylor : Hey, Wandell, do something about this.

  Morgan Wondell : Yeah, you go, girl!

• Morgan Wondell : Awesome show, guys.

  Tim Taylor : What do you mean "awesome show"? I almost got killed out there.

  Morgan Wondell : Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Those gals were only supposed to threaten their husbands.

  Heidi Keppert : They were supposed to?

  Al Borland : Are you saying that this show was staged?

  Morgan Wondell : Yeah, yeah. It looked so real, didn't it? Oh, God, I'm good.

• Tim Taylor : Morgan, you have made a mockery of everything Channel 112 stands for. We're not doing any more shows like this.

  Al Borland : Yeah.

  Morgan Wondell : No. No, no. Of course not. We want to stay fresh. We keep the audience guessing. Eventually, we'll do some more of that building crap you like.

  Tim Taylor : Building crap? Hold on a second. That building crap... that building crap is what "Tool Time" has been about for the last 10 years.

  Morgan Wondell : All right. Well, now it's about ratings. And if you're not comfortable with that, we can go another way.

  Tim Taylor : What's that supposed to mean?

  Morgan Wondell : Well, it means that we can find a host that's on the same page that we are.

  Tim Taylor : Ooh. Are you threatening me, Morgan?

  Morgan Wondell : No. No, I'm just clarifying Binford's position.

• Tim Taylor : [to Morgan]  Well, let me clarify my position. You're not gonna take control of "Tool Time."

  Heidi Keppert : Yeah. I'm with Tim.

  Al Borland : Yeah. You tell him, Tim.

  Tim Taylor : That's right. If I have to, I'll just go above you. I'll talk to Bud.

  Morgan Wondell : All right. Well, you can talk to Bud all you want.

  Tim Taylor : I'm going to.

  Morgan Wondell : Well, do. It's not gonna do you much good.

  Tim Taylor : Sure it will.

  Morgan Wondell : Well, he's no longer with the company.

  Al Borland : What?

  Tim Taylor : Hold on a second. Bud wouldn't leave "Tool Time" without letting me know.

  Morgan Wondell : Let's see. He left, you didn't know about it. I guess he would leave without telling you.

  Tim Taylor : Well, as far as supervising "Tool Time" is concerned, who is above you now?

  Morgan Wondell : God.

  Tim Taylor : Well, look, if you're gonna turn this show into a three-ring circus, I might just quit.

  Morgan Wondell : Sorry to lose you. You were a good man.