- Dick Gersh: Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend?
- Ed Norton: P.S., 31 Oyster Bay.
- Dick Gersh: No, I mean, what medical school?
- Ralph: Oh, uh, he went to Oxford.
- Dick Gersh: Oh, in England.
- Ed Norton: Is that where it is?
- Dick Gersh: You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know it's in England?
- Ed Norton: Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it was so foggy over there, I don't know where it was.
- Ed Norton: [responding to Ralph's request that Ed pose as a phony doctor] Don't touch me, Ralph! I'm sterile!
- Ed Norton: [Ralph plans to leave Norton in his will his pair of bowling shoes] You know, I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes. This couldn't happen at a better time!
- Alice: Ralph, there's only one thing you can do. Only one thing. You just gotta go down there, give them back the $5,000, and tell them the truth.
- Ralph: They don't care about the $5,000. This installment is on the stands now. They'll be laughed out of the business. What are they gonna put in the next installment, "Bus driver won't die from scratching fleas"?
- Ed Norton: [to Ralph] You got a very interesting story there, a story of a man doomed to six months to live. Why don't you do like a friend of mine did? He had the hiccups for three weeks, and he sold his story to a magazine. You know, the American Weekly? He got $5,000 for it!
- Ralph: Five thousand dollars for a story about hiccups?
- Ed Norton: Yeah.
- Ralph: I ought to be a cinch to get $10,000 dying. This is a real human interest story. People will want to read about this. Everybody'll read it! I can see it now, the first installment, the title of it: "Doomed Man Has Only Six Months To Go."
- Ed Norton: Uh, I think that's a little lengthy for the title. They'll probably chop it down, make it shorter, like, uh... "In Six Months, Blimp Takes Off."
- Ed Norton: Doctors can be wrong too, you know. How about a friend of mine. Doctor examined him, gave him only 6 months to live too. Boy, he made a monkey out of that doctor.
- Ralph Kramden: What happened?
- Ed Norton: He lived for almost 8 months.
- Ed Norton: He must be approaching the Pearly Gates right now. At this time, they're probably tearing down part of the fence to let him in.