The Honeymooners (TV Series)

Dial J for Janitor (1956)

Jackie Gleason: Ralph Kramden

Photos 

Quotes 

• Norton : Well anyway, I gotta tell ya I had this headache, I couldn't get rid of it, see, so I went to the Navy doctor. So he examines me and says I have pressure on the brain, he should remove it. So well, I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship, you know, 'cause afterwards they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain?"

  Ralph : Don't ask me, 'cause I know what he removed!

• Ralph : Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight.

  Alice : You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up.

• Ralph : I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn't my fault, Alice, it wasn't my fault.

  Alice : No. No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one-pound bag.

• Ralph : [answering the janitor's phone yet again]  Hello?

  [pause] 

  Ralph : No, Mrs. Schwartz, this is a HOUSE phone! You can't get Jersey on it!

  [hangs up] 

• Ralph Kramden : Can I get you anything?

  Ed Norton : Yes, water, water, water. I want water.

  Ralph Kramden : I hope there's some water on the Moon, 'cause that's where you're gonna end up.