- Alice: [complaining about how Ralph is always out at night, leaving Alice alone at home] I'm left here to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls. Well, I don't want to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls! I WANNA LOOK AT LIBERACE!
- Ralph Kramden: Whatever happened to the sweet unspoiled girl I married before? Whatever happened to that girl, Alice? You remember what you said to me before we got married? "Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you."
- Alice Kramden: I'm still willing. I think it'd be an improvement.
- Ralph Kramden: Do you wanna go to the moon? Do you wanna go to the moon?
- Alice Kramden: That would be an improvement, too.
- Ralph Kramden: We'll flip a coin to see where the television set goes. Give me a coin.
- Ed Norton: [pulls out a coin from his pants pocket and hands it to Ralph]
- Ralph Kramden: Alright. Uh, heads I win, tails you lose. Right?
- Ralph Kramden: [flips the coin]
- Ralph Kramden: Tails, you lose. Now...
- Ed Norton: Wait a minute, wait a minute!
- Ralph Kramden: What's wrong?
- Ed Norton: I hope I don't insult you, Ralph, but would you mind giving me back my coin?
- [Norton recites the Captain Video Ranger pledge]
- Norton: I, Edward Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
- Ralph Kramden: [explaining the reason he won't buy Alice a TV set] I'm waiting for 3D television, that's the reason.
- Alice Kramden: Are you waiting for 3D refrigerators, too?
- [last lines]
- Alice Kramden: Gotta admit it, Ralph. Once in your life, you were right. We never should've gotten a television set.
- Ed Norton: [taking off his Captain Video helmet] Official space helmet off, Captain Video, wherever you are!
- Ed Norton: That's right, Alice, when we flipped the coin, he won. He said before we flipped, he said "Heads I win, tails you lose". It was tails and I lost.
- Ralph Kramden: [Alice gives Ralph a stern look] Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick from you. That's how we got married.
- Alice Kramden: Why don't you just let me make you comfortable here because you've been gone all day long and I missed you something terrible, Sweetums.
- Ralph Kramden: [looks around] Who's Sweetums?
- Alice Kramden: You're Sweetums.
- Ralph Kramden: You're nuts!
- Alice Kramden: What would you like, Ralph, lemonade or milk or juice?
- Ralph Kramden: Let me have what you're drinkin'. I wanna get loaded too.
- Ralph Kramden: Get out! GET OUT!
- Ed Norton: If I go, that set goes with me.
- Ralph Kramden: That set goes over my dead body.
- Ed Norton: I couldn't get it out over your dead body. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?