The Honeymooners (TV Series)

The $99,000 Answer (1956)

Jackie Gleason: Ralph Kramden

Photos 

Quotes 

• Herb Norris : You know, I have a great deal of respect for bus drivers. It's always amazed me how you fellows who have this tremendous responsibility, and the tremendous number of people that you have to deal with, and the big machine, how you manage to remain so courteous and kind and considerate all the time.

  Ralph Kramden : Yes sir.

  Herb Norris : Well, of course, there are exceptions. For example, the other day, I was standing on Madison Avenue in the rain waiting for a bus, and as this bus driver bore down on me, I signaled for him to stop, and you know, instead of stopping, he went right by, went right through a puddle, and splashed mud all over me?

  Ralph Kramden : Was that you?

  Herb Norris : Mr. Kramden, I hope you win some money tonight, because I have a cleaning bill for you.

• Ralph : For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you, I'm going for the $99,000 question.

  Alice : For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very happy if you win the 600 bucks.

  Ralph : $600? Peanuts, peanuts! What am I gonna do with peanuts?

  Alice : Eat 'em, like any other elephant.

• Alice : Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism".

  Ralph : I'll spell it.

  [pauses apprehensively] 

  Ralph : I'll spell it!

  Alice : [waiting patiently]  Well? Go ahead.

  Ralph : I'll spell it!

  [agitated] 

  Ralph : I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it!

  Alice : [sarcastically]  16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you 32,000 if you can SAY it!

• Herb Norris : Now, tell me, sir, what do you do for a living?

  Ralph Kramden : [incredibly nervous; stammers]  I brive a dus.

  Herb Norris : You brive a dus?

  Ralph Kramden : I dus a brive.

  Herb Norris : You dus a brive? Oh, I see, you're a bus driver. It that it?

  [Ralph mumbles] 

  Herb Norris : Well, now, there's nothing to be nervous about Mr. Kramden. Just relax and take it easy, and you'll get along a little better. Now, tell me, sir, are you married?

  Ralph Kramden : Yes.

  Herb Norris : You're married. And what is your wife's name?

  Ralph Kramden : Mrs. Kramden.

  Herb Norris : [audience laughter]  Well, that's fine, now... Her first name, I meant.

  Ralph Kramden : Her? Who? Oh, her! Er, Alice.

• Alice Kramden : [to Norton]  Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.

  Ralph Kramden : Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!

  Alice Kramden : If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!

  Ralph Kramden : [threateningly]  Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!

  Ed Norton : Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship.

  [anguished wail] 

  Ed Norton : Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?

• Alice : [to Ralph]  Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs. There's just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph: You're going on a television show, a big television show. Millions of people are gonna be looking at you, and big money at stake. Why, you're liable to get nervous and forget what you do know. Any person can do that.

  Ralph : Are you kidding? I'm at my best when I'm under pressure.

  Alice : Oh, that's right, I forgot. You're always calm. You have to be, in the kind of work you do. You're a man who "brives a dus".

• Mr. Garrity : Look, why don't you shut up in here? You drivin' everybody crazy.

  Ralph Kramden : I'm not driving anybody crazy. You're just jealous, that's all. And you know why you're jealous? Because you know that at this time tomorrow night, my picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the country.

  Mr. Garrity : Well, so will mine! For killin' you!

• Ralph : Yessir, this is the time I'm gonna get my pot of gold.

  Alice : Just go for the gold, you've already got the pot.

• Ralph : [Talking about his mother-in-law]  Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble?

• Herb Norris : Tell me, have you discussed this at home? Have you talked it over with your wife?

  Ralph Kramden : Yes I did, and regardless, I am going for the $99,000 answer.

• Mrs. Gibson : As a matter of fact, I can't wait to hear you answer that question. I want to see the expression on your face when you miss it.

  Ralph Kramden : Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble, huh?

• Ralph Kramden : We'll be living on Park Avenue. And wait till you see how different this furniture looks when it's in a Park Avenue apartment.

• Alice Kramden : Trixy was just here to say she saw you on the show.

  Ralph Kramden : She was? Well uh, what did she think of it?

  Alice Kramden : Well, she said you're the biggest thing on television.