The Honeymooners (TV Series)

The Worry Wart (1956)

Art Carney: Ed Norton

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Norton is trying to tell Ralph what to do when he goes to the IRS] 

  Ed Norton : When you get down there tomorrow, I got the idea: stand on the 18th Amendment.

  Ralph Kramden : Are you nuts or somethin'? Stand on the 18th Amendment? You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment. The 18th Amendment was for prohibition.

  Ed Norton : Well, that's just what I mean. Tell 'em you were drunk when you made out your taxes!

• Ralph : Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five, you better be out that door. Now I'm gonna count.

  Norton : I'm not scared of you. If you could count, they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.

• [Ralph receives a letter from the I.R.S] 

  Ralph : Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me!

  Alice : Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated.

  Norton : You're darn right! The jails are full of them!

• Ralph Kramden : Penalty for failing to report income: All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax, or tax. All are required by this title or by regulations made under authority thereof to make a return other than a return required under authority of section 6015 or section 6016, keep any records or supply any information and who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax, or tax, make such returns, keep such records, or supply such information.

  Ed Norton : Boy, Ralph, it sounds like you are in trouble.

  Ralph Kramden : Trouble? I don't even know what I'm talking about!

• Ed Norton : [Ralph has been keeping everyone awake worrying about his taxes, while Alice and Norton try to calm him]  Boy, I tell you, I'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying this way. So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can they put you up in front of a firing squad?

  Ralph Kramden : [sheepishly]  No, they can't.

  Ed Norton : Can they push you over a cliff?

  Ralph Kramden : No, they can't.

  Ed Norton : Can they string you up there on the end of a rope?

  Ralph Kramden : No, I guess they can't...

  Ed Norton : Alright then. Nothing can happen to you. What possibly can happen to you? What are you worried for?

  Alice Kramden : He's right, Ralph. Now come on, let's go to bed.

  Ralph Kramden : [softly; shaking Norton's hand]  Thanks, pal.

  Ed Norton : [patting Ralph on the back]  All right. Now, just go in there, and get a good night's sleep.

  [Ralph and Alice go into the bedroom. But Norton then calls after Ralph] 

  Ed Norton : The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen!

  Ralph Kramden : [storming out of the bedroom, arms flailing wildly]  What are you starting with that stuff for?

• [Ralph and Norton go to the IRS and see Richard Puder] 

  Richard Puder : Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?

  Norton : He's Kramden, I'm clean.

• Ed Norton : [Norton gets caught raiding Ralph's icebox]  Dum-dee-dum-dum. All I hope is when they do my life on "Dragnet", they leave my name out to protect the innocent.

  Ralph Kramden : You put that turkey back, or they'll being doing your life on "Medic"!

• Ralph Kramden : Pretty sneaky, the gas company, to send me a bill on the back of a postcard.

  Ed Norton : Oh, boy, that ain't the worst of it. Now, everybody in the building knows what you're paying for your gas bill.

  Ralph Kramden : What are you talkin' about?

  Ed Norton : Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth, she looks at all the postcards and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.

  Ralph Kramden : You're kiddin'.

  Ed Norton : I'm not kiddin'. I know how much your gas bill is: 93 cents.

  Ralph Kramden : [looks at bill]  That's right.

  Ed Norton : See? Oh, by the way, Ralph, congratulations on that 93-cent gas bill. Mrs. Schwartz told me that you broke the all-time low gas bill record set by the Collyer brothers in 1931.

• Ed Norton : What is this amount here? 1053622.

  Ralph Kramden : What amount? That's no amount, that's my social security number.

  Ed Norton : I thought maybe it was your weight.

  Ralph Kramden : Now would you tell me why I'd put my weight down on an income tax report?

  Ed Norton : How should I know? You're the one that's being investigated.