How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Matchmaker (2005)

Camryn Manheim: Ellen Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ellen Pierce : [a match-maker]  You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry.

  Ted : No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea!

  Ellen Pierce : [mocking him]  Plenty of fish in the sea!

  [grabs a calculator form the desk and starts clicking away] 

  Ellen Pierce : There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women.

  [pushes calculator screen into Ted's face] 

  Ted : [starts to get concerned]  That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?

  Ellen Pierce : There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.

  Ted : ...Do you take credit cards?

• Ellen Pierce : Ted, I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day.

• Ted : [enters the Love Solutions office to find his match-maker Ellen hunched over and despondent; she has failed to match him with the woman of his dreams in 3 days as she promised]  Hi, Ellen! I think I want my money back!

  Ellen Pierce : I'm a failure! I'm all washed up! I tried everything, Ted! I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program! Last night I stood out on the street for 5 hours showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers! Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half-price because you look like John Cusack and his/hers favorite movie is 'Say anything.'

  [She breaks into tears. Ted sees an ice cream carton on the desk in front of Ellen] 

  Ted : Come on, Ellen! A pint of ice cream? Isn't that a bit of a cliche?

  Ellen Pierce : It's full of bourbon.

  [gulps it down] 

  Ted : This isn't hopeless! You're going to find someone for me!

  Ellen Pierce : No! I won't! You're going to die alone!

  Ted : [said with a forced cheer]  I'm not going to die alone! Look at me! I'm bright! I'm attractive. You should go back out there and keep looking!

  Ellen Pierce : No! You're never going to find anybody! And every year you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder!

  Ted : You're being ridiculous!

  [indicates the wall on which Ellen has hung the photos of happy couples she has matched up] 

  Ted : I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days!

  Ellen Pierce : No, you won't!

• [Ellen Pierce, owner of "Love Solutions" matchmaking service, has just threatened to stomp the crap out of Barney if he doesn't leave for his insincere intentions] 

  Barney : [bolts for the door]  Okay, Ted, let's go.

  Ellen Pierce : [pointing at Ted to sit back down]  Not you - you stay.

  [looking at Ted's application] 

  Ellen Pierce : You're cute. Good career. And you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend "Jack Package".

  Barney : [from other side of door]  It's pronounced "Pa-kaz".

• Ellen Pierce : How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that OK.

  Ted : There are no women for me out there? I thought you said there were 8.

  Ellen Pierce : I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are.

  Ted : But, I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute. I'm a cute architect.

  Ellen Pierce : How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. It's my hook. I could probably find somebody for you if you were gay.

  Ted : Well, I'm not.

  Ellen Pierce : A little Bi maybe?