How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Pilot (2005)

Jason Segel: Marshall Eriksen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ted : [about why he didn't kiss Robin]  She didn't even give me the signal!

  Barney : What, is she gonna... is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code?

  [Bats eyes] 

  Barney : Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!

  Ted : Not if you don't get the signal!

  Barney : [Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall]  Did Marshall give me the signal?

  Marshall Eriksen : No!

  [to Lily] 

  Marshall Eriksen : I didn't, I swear!

• Marshall Eriksen : Huh. The guy didn't jump.

  Ted : I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.

  Marshall Eriksen : Dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you, that's freaking crazy.

  Ted : I never do anything crazy! I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. Well, she's leaving tomorrow, and this may be the only moment I'm gonna get! I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the leap!... Okay, not a perfext metaphor. 'Cause for me it's falling in love and getting married, and for him it's... death.

  Barney : Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.

• Marshall Eriksen : [rehearsing with Ted]  Will you marry me?

  Ted : Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you do your toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor! Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

• Ted : [arriving at Robin's apartment]  Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck.

  Barney : Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. "This just in." Okay.

  Lily Aldrin : Kiss her, Ted! Kiss her good!

  Marshall Eriksen : Kiss the crap out of that girl!

  Ted : Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're gonna tell this story.

  Barney : Why does he get to be the best man? I'm your best friend!

• Marshall Eriksen : [after sex in the kitchen]  I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

  Lily Aldrin : Did you know there's a Pop Tart under your fridge?

  Marshall Eriksen : No, but dibs.

• Marshall Eriksen : [Ted is telling him and Lily about his first date with Robin]  So? Did you kiss her?

  Ted : No, the moment wasn't right. Look, this woman could actually be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be amazing.

  Lily Aldrin : Aw. Ted, that's so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch.

  Ted : What? I did not chicken out. You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.

  Lily Aldrin : Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don't believe me, call him.

• Older Ted : Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.

  Son : Are we being punished for something.

  Older Ted : No.

  Daughter : Yeah, is this gonna take awhile?

  Older Ted : Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. I was 27, just starting out as an architect, living with your uncle Marshall. My life was good. Then your uncle Marshall went screwed the whole thing up.

  [flash to 2005] 

  Marshall Eriksen : Will you marry me?

  Ted : Yes! Perfect. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

  Marshall Eriksen : Right. Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

  Ted : Are you kidding? It's you and Lily. I've been there for all the big you and Lily moments. The night you met, your first date... other firsts.

  Marshall Eriksen : Yeah... sorry, we thought you were asleep.

  Ted : It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. Oh my God, you're getting engaged tonight.

  Marshall Eriksen : Yeah. What are you doing tonight?

  Older Ted : [V.O]  What was I doing? Here, your uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life and me? I'm calling up your uncle Barney.

  Barney : Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I've got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.

  Ted : Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

  Barney : Okay, meet me at the bar in 10 minutes, and suit up!

  Barney : [Ted walks in]  Where's your suit? Just once, when I say, "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.

  Ted : I did... that one time.

  Barney : It was a blazer!

• Marshall : Would you marry me ?

  Ted : Yes, perfect. And then you're engaged ! You poop the champagne, you have sex on the kitchen floor... Don't have sex on the kitchen floor. Damn it ! You and Lily, I mean i'd be there for all the big moment... First day you met, your first date, other first things... .

  Marshall : Yeah sorry we though you were sleep...

  Ted : It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bank moves, the top bank moves too !

• [giving a toast] 

  Marshall Eriksen : To my fiance!

  Lily Aldrin : To the future!

  Ranjit : To one hell of a night!