How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)
Purple Giraffe (2005)
Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby
Photos
Quotes
-
Marshall Eriksen : All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody "wanged," everybody "chunged." Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
-
Lily : Hey I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. Me beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall Eriksen : [Stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily : Not even slightly.
Ted Mosby : [See Ted sitting on the couch] Guys. Boundaries.
-
Ted Mosby : She's still talking to Carlos... I can still win this, it's not over!
Lily : Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk... Robin seems great. But let's look at the facts, you wanna get married. And right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you... but Robin ain't one of them.
-
Robin : I don't know, Ted, I mean, we barely know each other... and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like...
Ted Mosby : Like what?
Robin : Like "Let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids and drive them to soccer practice."
Ted Mosby : I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
-
Robin : You can't turn off the way you feel.
Ted Mosby : [pantomimes turning a dial on his chest] Click. Off. Let's make out.
Robin : What?
Ted Mosby : What, that was the off switch! And I turned it off... I mean, yes, sure, I wanna fall in love, get married, blah blah blah, but... on the other hand, you, me... the roof...
Robin : There's no off switch.
Ted Mosby : There's an off switch. And it's off.
Robin : [leaning in] No it's not.
Ted Mosby : Yes, it is.
Robin : No, it's not.
Ted Mosby : Yes. It is...
[they kiss passionatly]
Ted Mosby : ...No it's not... You were right. There's no off switch... God, I wish there was an off switch!
-
Ted Mosby : My friends are gonna love you. Like you. You know, as a friend...
-
Marshall Eriksen : So, Gatsby, what are you going to do when Robin shows up?
Ted Mosby : OK, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these "Hey, what's up?" She says "Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera ." And then I say "Well, make yourself at home" and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here," I say, like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"
-
Ted Mosby : [about Robin] She wants casual... OK. I'll be casual, I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual! You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole "happily ever after" thing, but you can't do that UNLESS you play the game.
Marshall Eriksen : So you're gonna ask her out?
Ted Mosby : Yeah - NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out without asking her out...
Lily : ...Did you guys get high?
-
Barney : So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted Mosby : Whoa, that was fast.
Barney : Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"
[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]
Barney : I think I'm in love with you.
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl : What?
[back in the present]
Barney : Thanks, bro!
Ted Mosby : Glad I could help...
-
Ted Mosby : [At the bar] Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall Eriksen : Dude, you're talking to The Kid. I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna write a 25-page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Narrator : He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good.
-
Robin : So, you threw all these parties for me?
Ted Mosby : No! Oh, you thought - no... okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so I could introduce you to, um...
[Barney shoves some random guy towards Ted]
Ted Mosby : ...this guy! I figured, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it...
[laughs weakly]
Ted Mosby : Anyways, Robin, this is...
Carlos : Carlos.
-
Ted : You know it's so funny I ran into you. We're having a party next Friday if you'd like to swing by, but, you know, whatever.
Robin : Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. Too bad it's not tonight.
Ted : It is, it's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, 'cause I've been saying next Friday all week. But yeah it's tonight; the party is tonight. But, you know, whatever.
-
Lily : [Ted is depressed that Robin never showed at his party] At least it was a great party.
Marshall Eriksen : I ate, like, four whole cans of dip.
Ted Mosby : [sarcastic] You always know what to say, old friend.
-
Robin : I'm so sorry I missed your party.
Ted Mosby : Who is this? Meredith?
Robin : Robin.
Ted Mosby : Oh, Robin! Hey! Yeah, I, uh, guess you never showed up, did you?
Robin : No, I got stuck at work. But they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.
Ted Mosby : Did he get to keep the purple giraffe?
Robin : Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time, and little kids have small bladders.
-
Ted Mosby : I got it. I don't ask her out. I invite her to our party next Friday.
Marshall Eriksen : We're having a party next Friday?
Ted Mosby : We are now. Casual.
Barney : Yeah, 'cause nothing says "casual" like inviting a hundred people over just to mack on one girl. Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.
Lily : [playing footsie under the table, she freaks out and stops] You waited five minutes to tell me that?
