How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Pineapple Incident (2005)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ted : [Ted is drunk]  Are you a vampire?

  Carl : That's it, I'm cutting you off. Go home, Ted. Get some sleep.

  Ted : Yep, the sun's comin' up pretty soon. Wouldn't wanna be around for *that*, now would we?

• Ted : [Barney tucks in drunk Ted]  Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar! Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours. His name is Windjammer.

• Trudy : I feel like doing somethin' stupid.

  Ted : I'm something stupid. Do me.

• Ted : Vomit-free since '93!

• Ted : [over the phone]  Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh, hi, Ted.

  Ted : [repeats]  Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.

  Ted : Robin, have I ever told you that I have been vomit-free since '93?

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh, listen Ted. I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive.

• Lily : You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Why don't you go wake her up?

  Ted : And say what, what am I supposed to say?

  Barney : Daddy's home.

• Ted : [takes first shot]  Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?

  [takes second shot] 

  Ted : Pure alcohol cannot stop this brain.

  [takes third shot] 

  Ted : This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.

  [takes fourth shot] 

  Ted : This is a superbrain.

  [takes fifth shot] 

  Ted : This brain is unstoppable. This brain...

  Older Ted : And that's all I remember.

• Ted : How easy do you think it is to sneak into the zoo? I need to see some penguins like, right now...

• Carl : And how you guys liked the shots?

  Ted : I drank all five, bitch!

• Marshall : [after Barney pushes a shot to Ted]  Interesting...

  Ted : What... You want me to do a shot?

  Barney : Oh no... I want you to do five shots.

  Marshall : More interesting.

• Ted : We can't just be friends. We're attracted to each other, and we both know that.

  Carl : Excuse me?

• Ted : Why do they call it karaoke, anuhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okey? These are the kinds of things I think about.

  Rude Waiter : Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.

• Barney : Check out table number four! See that little hottie on the end, she's short, but has an ample bossem. I love it, she's, like, half boob. Let's go.

  Ted : Yeah, and say what, what's are big opening line?

  Barney : It's, uh... Daddy's home.

  Ted : "Daddy's home?" You want us to go over to those girls, and say "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.

  Barney : Hmm... Yeah, think it's pretty solid.

• [Barney returns dejected from half-boob's table] 

  Ted : Oh, Daddy's back. See, if you'd thought about that, for just a second...

  Barney : [holds up a phone number]  Then I wouldn't have gotten this 7-digit Father's Day card from...

  [looks at napkin] 

  Barney : Amy!

  Ted : That worked? I hate the world.

• Robin Scherbatsky : [Phone rings]  Hello.

  Ted : Hello Robin, it's Ted.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Hi Ted.

  Ted : Hello Robin, it's Ted.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Hi.

  Ted : You should be on 60 minutes. You should be one of the minutes.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Thanks... I guess.

• Ted : You set me on fire.

  Barney : Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed. This is a blend.

  Ted : You set me on fire! And who's the girl in my bed?

  Barney : There's a girl in yoir bed.

  Marshall : And a pinapple. Am I the only one who's curios about the pineapple?

• Ted : At least someone appreciates the fact that I am doing and not thinking.

  [pause] 

  Ted : And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.