- Helen Girardi: I need a head count for dinner.
- Will Girardi: Sounds expensive.
- Helen Girardi: Double-cut lamb chops. They were on sale.
- Will Girardi: Ooh, then I'm in and I'm grilling.
- Joan Girardi: All those churches, and God still has to go door to door.
- Salesman God: When I say clean, I'm not talking tidy.
- Joan Girardi: Can we just get to it?
- Salesman God: I know you're hurting. You need to do something about that.
- Joan Girardi: [unenthused] And I'm sure you have a really great suggestion.
- Salesman God: You need to clean.
- Joan Girardi: Clean what?
- Salesman God: What needs cleaning.
- Joan Girardi: Well, I already dumped my cheating boyfriend. That's not clean enough for you?
- Salesman God: Cleaning is a process of discovery. It changes your perception, and it makes things smell good.
- Joan Girardi: I wouldn't even know where to start.
- Salesman God: Start anywhere. Just clean. It's theraputic.
- Joan Girardi: Can't I just go to therapy?
- Helen Girardi: What are you doing?
- Joan Girardi: Just a little spring cleaning.
- Helen Girardi: No, really.
- Joan Girardi: Mom, you say that like I never clean.
- Helen Girardi: Should I be worried?
- Helen Girardi: I got inspired by Joan's spring cleaning, so I decided to clean Kevin's room as a little surprise to him, and I found this.
- Will Girardi: [she hands him the newspaper classifieds] I don't get it.
- Helen Girardi: Those are ads for single-bedroom apartments circled in red.
- Will Girardi: [still confused] Help me. I'm a man.
- Will Girardi: I just have to get it off my chest that I don't want to be here. I'm not a big fan of therapists or priests. I'm doing this to make my wife happy.
- Father Ken Mallory: Your candor is appreciated.
- Will Girardi: I have more where that came from.
- Helen Girardi: Will.
- Will Girardi: But I'll keep it to myself.
- Helen Girardi: Kevin, I'm sorry about the way I've been acting.
- Kevin Girardi: It's okay.
- Helen Girardi: And I think you should move out.
- Kevin Girardi: Right now?
- Helen Girardi: No. But soon. When you're ready.