The John Larroquette Show (TV Series)

This Is Not a Step (1993)

John Larroquette: John Hemingway

Quotes 

• John's Mother : Dammit, John, your father wasn't shot by someone holding up a liquor store!

  John Hemingway : What are you talking about?

  John's Mother : HE was the one holding up the liquor store! There was no scam, no con, he had a plastic gun and he needed cash! He got shot in the back by the clerk as he was running out. He wasn't drinking for laughs anymore, John, he'd become abusive, and I'd had enough. I had tried everything! I tried pouring the bottles down the sink, I tried keeping his favorite booze in the house, I tried locking him in, I tried locking him out. None of it worked! So I just stopped playing that sick game, but he didn't, and I kept it from you. I guess that was wrong. But nobody's clean, John, we all have our dirty little secrets. Now, if you want to hate me for not interfering, fine. But I learned my lesson about interfering. People are who they are, and maybe someday you'll take responsibility for who you are.

  John Hemingway : Maybe. I loved him very much. What happened, afterwards, between you and me?

  John's Mother : I couldn't stand being around you, John. I couldn't stand being around anyone who was drinking.

  John Hemingway : Well, this has been fun!

• John's Mother : I've already written you a check.

  John Hemingway : This says Harriet Nelson on it.

  John's Mother : Isn't that fun? No one remembers the classics!

• Dexter Wilson : May I point out that you're a white man?

  John Hemingway : Well, that's observant of you. I don't think it's very germane.

  Dexter Wilson : Look, I don't care if you think it's very Jermaine, very Michael, very La Toya, I'm not going to be told about charity by a white man!

• John : You don't get nervous or anything when you see me coming, do you?

  Gene : Why would I do that?

  John : I'm the boss!

  Gene : You're a funny guy, John.

• Mahalia : Let me tell you something about family, John. I had an uncle, he was a sailor, a good one, but when they refused to hire his brother, he walked off the job!

  John : What happened?

  Mahalia : He drowned! Well actually, the moral of that story is, "Don't walk off a boat in the middle of the ocean," but you understand my point.

  John : I don't even understand your accent.

• [a knock on the door] 

  John Hemingway : Oh, this is ridiculous. Hey! What do you want, huh? SEX?

  [John opens the door and finds his mother] 

  John Hemingway : Mom!

  John's Mother : How are you, John?

  John Hemingway : I'm good. Freud is doing pirouettes in his coffin, but I'm good.

• Mahalia : John, bail your mother out of jail!

  John : No, she's better off there! She can teach Amy Fisher how to mark cards.

• John's Mother : Now, where do you want me to sleep?

  John Hemingway : San Francisco?

• John Hemingway : You bribed a cop?

  John's Mother : I would never offer good money to a policeman.

  John Hemingway : Counterfeit bills?

  John's Mother : Of course!

• John Hemingway : What are you doing?

  John's Mother : I'm reading some very interesting material.

  John Hemingway : I beg your pardon?

  John's Mother : Oh, come on John, you obviously wanted me to read it. You left it between the mattress and the boxspring, where anyone could find it.

• John's Mother : I am not going to sit here and have you call me a thief!

  John Hemingway : Look, you're not a thief, you're a con artist. There's a difference, remember?

  John's Mother : That's ridiculous. Now, if you will please be civil enough to rent me a car, I'll be on my way!