- Nina Van Horn: Say, aren't you Robert Conrad?
- Robert Conrad: Ma'am.
- Nina Van Horn: Goodness! You don't waste any time, do you?
- Clarence: Pardon me, but could you please keep it down?
- Robert Conrad: Excuse me?
- Clarence: It's just that we're trying to conduct business over here.
- Robert Conrad: Really? So are we. We're considering a merger, between my fist and your jaw.
- Robert Conrad: Don't worry, I'll be back.
- Jack Gallo: You wanna pick a date?
- Robert Conrad: Sure.
- [they pull out their agendas]
- Jack Gallo: How about Thursday?
- Robert Conrad: No good. I'm picking apples upstate. How about the third?
- Jack Gallo: No, I'm seeing my urologist.
- Robert Conrad: Who do you go to?
- Jack Gallo: Friedman, up on 54th.
- Robert Conrad: Is he good?
- Jack Gallo: Great. Light touch.
- Elliot DiMauro: Do you bring greetings from the future?
- Dennis Finch: Yes, and there's still no cure for baldness.
- Jack Gallo: You boob, you assured me Conrad was dead!
- Dennis Finch: He has to be, why else would they cancel Jake and the Fatman?
- Jack Gallo: That's *William* Conrad! Next time get it right.
- Dennis Finch: [to himself] Next time write your own book.
- Jack Gallo: What'd you say?
- Dennis Finch: I was apologizing.
- Dennis Finch: I have what's called a body built for fashion.
- Elliot DiMauro: Finch, you have a body built to assist Santa Claus.
- Jack Gallo: If Robert Conrad finds out, he could sue me for millions, and do you know what they'd call me if this got out?
- Dennis Finch: Jack ass? A liar? A fraud? There's no right answer.
- Jack Gallo: It's just a humble autobiography about an extraordinary man.
- Dennis Finch: Translated from the gibberish by his assistant.
- Maya Gallo: I'm proud of you.
- Jack Gallo: Thank you, Maya. That's great coming from someone who's not just trying to kiss my ass.
- Nina Van Horn: Jack, it's better than the Bible! I'm almost at page seven, and I'm riveted.
- Nina Van Horn: I got bored of reading about Jack's ancestors being chased across Europe, and I skipped to the index to look for the parts with me in them. I'm only mentioned four times.
- Elliot DiMauro: Did they count that picture of you at the Playboy mansion?
- Nina Van Horn: I'm only listed as "Unidentified topless woman on pogo stick."
- Nina Van Horn: Son of a bitch! Four mentions. Do you know how that makes me feel? Like a chewed-up piece of gum that someone threw in the gutter and was carried away by rats! I'm sorry, you were saying something?
- Man: Please, go away.