- Elliot: I'd love to do to her what she did to him. I'd wine her and dine her, and just when I have her on the palm of my hand, I'd say, "You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me!"
- Maya: Easier said than done.
- Elliot: Oh, please. I date supermodels. She's just a civilian.
- Maya: You know, you make it hard to root for you.
- Nina: What brought this on?
- Jack: It's about dignity. It's about self respect. It's about the battle between good and evil.
- Nina: Ah, you made another silly bet with Donald Trump, didn't you?
- Jack: There's nothing silly about it. Whoever loses the most weight by Friday wins, and the other one has to play golf with a flounder down his pants.
- Nina: How did you arrive at that?
- Jack: I said salmon, he said monkfish. The lawyers took it from there.
- Jack: I gained nine pounds? What the hell have you done to me?
- Nina: Me? Obviously you cheated.
- Jack: That's impossible! I've been starving myself all week on that stupid diet of yours.
- Nina: And you're following it exactly?
- Jack: To the letter!
- Nina: Well, what did you have for dinner last night? The pasta or the chicken or the tuna?
- Jack: Or?
- Elliot: I'm telling you, she's amazing! It felt like I was with three women, and I've been with three women.
- Elliot: I assumed you closed the deal.
- Dennis: Please, a gentleman doesn't tell.
- Maya: So what's stopping you?
- Dennis: Let's just say I did my fair share of body surfing. Yeah!
- [high-fives Elliot]
- Maya: What does that mean?
- Dennis: Let's just say all of Dennis' fun wasn't under the sun. Yeah!
- [high-fives Elliot]
- Maya: What are you saying?
- Dennis: Let's just say the tide was not the only thing going in and out. Yeah!
- [high-fives Elliot; Elliot refuses]
- Elliot: You didn't get any, did you?
- Dennis: No.
- Nina: [tasting powder from one of Jack's "health donuts"] Sugar. Pure cane. Probably from Hawaii. They bring it over in boats.