L.A. Law (TV Series)

Cold Shower (1993)

Michael Tucker: Stuart Markowitz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Uh, can we get started?

  Leland McKenzie : Just start, Douglas.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : I'm started. People vs. Matz.

  [That's for Jonathan Rollins' while pouring to get a cup of coffee] 

  Jonathan Rollins : Yes. Yes. That's mine. Matz' has accused of selling stolen artwork to undercover cop. I'm pleading entrapment.

  Melina Paros : That's a tough cell.

  Daniel Morales : I know it is. You yet to stolen art in his position?

  Jonathan Rollins : He did.

  Daniel Morales : Any sold it to the cop?

  Jonathan Rollins : Yep.

  Melina Paros : So where's the entrapment?

  Jonathan Rollins : Well, my client's gay. He claims to a fallen for the cop. He also claims that it was mutual, I'd say for the purposes of his trial at least that, uh, the cop seduce him.

  Arnie Becker : In other words, it's your only shot.

  Jonathan Rollins : Yes, right.

  Ann Kelsey : Then it must me true.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : In the matter of Celeste Bauman.

  Stuart Markowitz : Yes, that's me. Uh, Ms. Bauman has accompanied that markets' vitamins and dietary supplements, the IRS claims that she has under paid her taxes by some $800,000, and for some reason to being nasty about it.

  Melina Paros : The IRS's nasty?

  Stuart Markowitz : Celeste is gonna need little managing, but I think we can resolve it.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Gwen, you're observing on to this one, correct?

  Gwen Taylor : Yep.

• Roxanne Melman : Arnie, Jack Caller's here.

  Arnie Becker : I gotta go.

  [Ann finds out how Roxanne's been] 

  Ann Kelsey : How you're feeling, Roxanne?

  Roxanne Melman : Pretty good.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Everything going all right? Visa V-V pregnancy?

  Roxanne Melman : So far.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Good.

  [Leland was so relieved about Roxanne's pregnancy. Arnie will be going and escorted out by Roxanne] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : How much paid leave are we on the hook forward this one?

  Stuart Markowitz : 6 weeks.

  Ann Kelsey : You wouldn't have a problem with that by any chance, would you, Douglas?

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Oh, no. I think it's the least we can do.

• Marvin Pick : It never fails to amaze me that people actually think that they can get away with this things.

  Stuart Markowitz : Mr. Pick, nobody's trying to get away with anything. If errors were made in calculating Ms. Bauman's tax return, we're here to rectify those errors.

  Marvin Pick : Come on, Mr. Markowitz, I wasn't born yesterday.

  Stuart Markowitz : What does that mean?

  Marvin Pick : It means that this isn't someone who makes errors. This is someone who calculates, long and hard, to conceal, connive and defraud. This is someone who actually thinks that she doesn't have to pay her rightful share of taxes to the United States government, and I find that absolutely intolerable.

  Stuart Markowitz : Mr. Pick, this entire problem can be attributed to Miss Bauman's former accountant.

  Marvin Pick : I don't buy that. It appears that in addition to a significant amount of unreported personal income, your client was using corporate employees to perform a variety of distinctly non-business related functions.

  Celeste Bauman : Wait a minute. I embody my company. What effects me effects my employees. This is all business related.

  Marvin Pick : You're kidding me, right?

  Celeste Bauman : No, I'm not kidding you.

  Marvin Pick : I would appreciate it if you would tell your client to stop wasting my time.

• Stuart Markowitz : We have tax returns for the last 10 years. Where do you want to start?

  Celeste Bauman : I didn't build my business on vitamins and nutrient supplements alone, Mr. Pick. I build it on stamina. I build it on guts. And I build it by adhering to a personal philosophy that does not allow me to become intimidated by anyone.

  Stuart Markowitz : Celeste, Mr. Pick is just trying to do his job.

  Marvin Pick : That's right, and my job is to enforce the tax code. I enforce, you comply.

  Celeste Bauman : You're not a well man, Marvin.

  [Stuart and Gwen turned to Celeste] 

  Celeste Bauman : You work in this miserable office, you drink coffee and you smoke. And your diet, it's high in fat, it's low and fiber. It's not nearly dense enough in nutrients. And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if your body wasn't ravaged by intestinal parasites.

  Marvin Pick : You know what? You're right, I drink coffee. I smoke. I only eat things that are bad for me. And with all that I'm still healthy enough to bring you to your knees. Me and my parasites.

  [Mr. Pick eating the danish] 

  Celeste Bauman : You want to know what healthy is? I'll tell you what healthy is. How old do you think I am?

  Marvin Pick : I have no idea.

  Celeste Bauman : I'm 75 years old.

  Gwen Taylor : You're 75?

  Celeste Bauman : The reason that I don't look my age is because I have a healthy, life affirming attitude toward everybody and everything. It comes from being a peace with myself. And from being at peace with the whole world. I'm 75 and I'll live to dance on this little pissant's grave. Stuart, Gwen, you know where to reach me. And I know that I shall be hearing from you very soon.

  [Celeste Bauman is going to leave now. Stuart sees Celeste leaving and turned back to Marvin]