- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: [in the woods during a paintball war] You're very lucky, Jonathan.
- Jonathan Rollins: Why?
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Because you have youth. Choices. Look at me. I'm 40 years old. I'm out here in the woods, shivering all night, because I can't say "no" to a client who makes designer tampons for a living and sells them to the uptight and out-of-sight. I'm intimidated by clients! I'm scared of my ex-wife. My teenage son ignores me. And I'm too afraid to light a fire because of Stuart Markowitz, a five-foot, six-inch tax attorney with a Hitler complex. Don't end up like me, Jonathan. You still have choices.
- Jonathan Rollins: Douglas, you still have choices in life.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You know, you're right. I chose to light a fire.
- Jonathan Rollins: Any sign of 'Rambowitz'?
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Stuart? I hope he got captured. He's probably eating bugs for breakfast.
- [Markowitz stomps out a fire that Brackman has lit]
- Stuart Markowitz: I said no fire! You want us all to be killed in our sleep?
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Painted, not killed, Stuart. Worse case scenario: we get painted in our sleep.
- Stuart Markowitz: And you think that's nothing? Tell that to the Cobras.
- [Markowitz produces four 'kill-chip' badges and lays them out to them]
- Jonathan Rollins: You killed FOUR more guys?
- Stuart Markowitz: I'm going back out on recon. Jonathan, get two hours sleep. Douglas, you stand guard. Get up in the tree so you won't fall asleep.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What? I'm not climbing any tree.
- Stuart Markowitz: Get in the tree, Douglas! I'll be back!
- Referee: Here are your kill chips. You get killed, you hand it over to the guy who 'kills' you. You kill that guy, you take his chip. Any questions?
- Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, is there like a snack bar out there someplace?
- Phil Donahue: [On TV] I'd like you to meet Miss Abigail Perkins. Miss Perkins is an attorney with the firm here in Los Angeles, McKenzie Brackman Cheney Kuzak and Becker. 2 years ago, Miss Perkins was attacked by a deranged client who had a lead pipe. You defended yourself using a hand gun, you shot the guy. And you killed him.
- [Arnie and Ann are watching. The audiences give them applause]
- Phil Donahue: It should be said, however, that you did not have a carry permit, did you Miss Perkins?
- Abby Perkins: No, they are impossible to get. Responsible citizens are not allowed to carry firearms. Which means that if I had been attacked on the street instead of in my office, I would probably be dead.
- Ann Kelsey: I thought she wasn't going to do this.
- Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Something must have changed her mind.
- Phil Donahue: [On TV] 8,000 people are killed in this country every year with a handgun. Many of then are children, shot accidentally.
- Abby Perkins: That's appalling. So is selling guns to people with criminal records or a history of mental illness. I support gun registration, waiting periods, and background checks, but to say that no one...
- Professor Henry Bennett: Passing out pistols in contemptible.
- Abby Perkins: I'll tell you what's contemptible: our government cannot stop the drug wars. Our government cannot stop rising crime. Our government cannot stop the guns from getting to the gangs, and they want to pass laws to stop them from getting to you and me.
- [Audiences applause]
- Professor Henry Bennett: So you just arm everyone and become a society of violence?
- Abby Perkins: We already are a society of violence. All I'm saying is it's time to let the good people fight back.
- Phil Donahue: Lawyers who kill, and we'll be back in just a moment.