L.A. Law (TV Series)

The Princess and the Pee (1988)

Mitchell Laurance: Richard Mathers

Quotes 

• Foreman : [Jury Foreperson reading the verdict]  "On the charges of negligence, fraud, and breach of warranty, we find for the defendant."

  [Kuzak's defendant Gil Tecowsky felt relief] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : At this time, I would like to thank the jury for its time and patience...

  Richard Mathers : Your Honor, I move that the court set aside the verdict and declare a mistrial.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : On what grounds?

  Richard Mathers : The plaintiffs were not represented by an attorney at law.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : They were represented by you?

  Richard Mathers : I'm not an attorney, Your Honor. And even though these people didn't know anything about it, Counsel for the defense did, thereby placing me at a severe disadvantage in terms of a negotiating posture.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Gentlemen, in my chambers. Jury is to be held.

• Richard Mathers : Your Honor, the paramount issue here must be the interest of the parties, not the misconduct of an attorney or an individual serving in that capacity.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Excuse me, I'll get to you later.

  [to Kuzak] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Mr. Kuzak, are you at all familiar with the Canon of ethics as it pertains to an attorney's obligation when he discovers the unauthorized practice of law?

  Michael Kuzak : Your Honor...

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : When he's made aware of the ongoing commission of a crime?

  Michael Kuzak : Forgive me, Your Honor, but I didn't think that my client should be victimized by this man's fraud.

  Richard Mathers : He didn't hesitate to try to victimize my clients with his own opportunism, though.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Thank you, Mr. Mathers.

  [Judge Reeves continues interrogating Mr. Kuzak] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : You weren't going to say anything unless you lost. Is that right, Mr. Kuzak?

  Michael Kuzak : All I was doing was trying to mitigate the damage.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : That isn't your role! When you found out, you had an obligation to reveal what you knew, period!

  Michael Kuzak : With all due respect, Your Honor, Mr. Mathers maybe lacking in character, but his clients receive legal representation at least as good as that provided by most of the licensed practitioners to be found in these courts.

  Richard Mathers : That in no way vitiates the need for a mistrial. There is a presumptive conclusion that a party can receive adequate representation only from an attorney licensed to practice.

  Michael Kuzak : The Tolands got a fair trial, justice isn't served by declaring it void.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Thank you for your commentary, gentlemen. Mr. Kuzak, despite your rhetoric, you were party to defrauding this court. I'm declaring this a mistrial, and I'm referring you to the Disciplinary Committee of the Bar Association. You can tell them how you were trying to serve the interests of justice.

• Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Mr. Mathers...

  [Mr. Mathers take a seat and sit down] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Is this the first case you've lost?

  Richard Mathers : [sighs]  No.

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Then why the confession now?

  Richard Mathers : Because these people were more innocent and more ruined than any clients I ever had before, that's why. They had terrific lives then... Wham! The bottom fell out. Placed their trust in me to try to obtain for them. A little financial security. It seems like honoring that trust is a little more important than covering my ass.

  [Judge Reeves press the intercom to call the bailiff Gene] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Gene, will you come in here?

  [Judge Reeves clears his throat] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : You're smooth, mister. But I suspect that whatever you'll call yourself, whatever trade you'll appear to apply, first, last, and forever, you'll always be a conman.

  [Judge Reeves orders the bailiff Gene to take Mr. Mathers into custody] 

  Judge Herbert Foster Reeves : Lock Mr. Mathers up.

  [Gene the bailiff got the handcuffs to escort Mr. Mathers out. Mr. Mathers gets up and heads to the exit of the Chambers of Judge Herbert Foster Reeves. He opens, leaves and closed the door. Mr. Kuzak is sitting for a while to wait] 

• Richard Mathers : The defendant profits by providing driving enthusiasts with cars designed for maximum thrills and minimum safety. Now I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking that he take a few basic precautions so that these lethal instruments not be lurching out of control on our streets. When he sold that car to Barry Toland, he set in motion an accident waiting to happen. And for that, he was horrendously negligent... To the plaintiffs and to each and every one of us who drive, who walk, or who guide our children across the street. My client had a professorial love of popular culture. He liked the sound of saying he had a '64 goat. But he didn't have a clue what it would be like to drive one. He never considered that if he shifted wrong, the rear end would seize up, the wheels would lock, and he would be sent speeding into a concrete wall. Now, I think Gil Tecowsky had an obligation to ascertain the degree of Barry Toland's expertise. All it would've taken was a ride around the block, but if he had warned him, it might have cost him the sale. Justice demands that his negligence cost him more. Much more.

  Michael Kuzak : [Mr. Kuzak the opposing counsel is next to make the closing]  Wouldn't it be great if we could all be protected from ourselves? Steep ski slopes could be made gentle, so the clumsy wouldn't fall. Raging rivers could be dammed, so the inexperienced wouldn't drown. Spirited horses could be broken so the neophyte wouldn't be thrown. Our lives would all be made a little safer and a little duller until one day, we'd look up and wonder what had become of us? If you find for the plaintiff in any degree, if you impose on an honest tradesman like Gil Tecowsky, the obligation to be a surrogate parent for every person who walks into his shop, then you will wipe him out! Richard Mathers might say that's a small price to pay. After all, who wants these gas guzzling speedsters racing down our streets anyway? Well, I'm here to tell you that if we lose the Gil Tecowsky of this world, we lose something about ourselves as well. If we straight jacket the genius, if we punish the audacity found in the back allies and industrial flat of this country, if we judge a product solely on its safety in the hands of the incompetent, then we will find ourselves living under the tyranny up a mediocre in a land where the lowest common denominator rules. Now, we can feel bad for what happened to Barry Toland without relieving him of the responsibility for bringing it about. But... if we blame Gil Tecowsky, we punish the dreamer for his dreams and we reduce every one of us in the process.

• Michael Kuzak : [Outside the courtroom, Mr. Kuzak will have to find out about Richard Mathers an unlicensed attorney]  Tell me this. Am I the first to find out about you?

  Richard Mathers : Find out what?

  Michael Kuzak : You must have known that some day someone will check you out.

  Richard Mathers : I don't know what you're talking about.

  Michael Kuzak : Oh, you think you know exactly what I'm talking about, Counselor. Come on.

• Richard Mathers : [Here at the witness room, Mr. Kuzak is going to have to talk to Richard Mathers about him that he never passed the bar, and never been to law school as an unlicensed attorney]  Looks like I have a problem.

  Michael Kuzak : [sighs]  We both got a problem. If I got to the court right now with what I know about you, there'll be an automatic mistrial. Since my client has spent more than $50,000 in legal fees and waited more than 3 1/2 years to get this little matter resolved. He doesn't wanna mistrial.

  Richard Mathers : Get to the punchline.

  Michael Kuzak : Recommend that your client accept this settlement offer.

  Richard Mathers : Would you sell out your client to protect yourself?

  Michael Kuzak : I don't consider a sell out... There was a reasonable offer before we went to trial, it's an even more reasonable offer now.

  Richard Mathers : You think I got you beat, Mike?

  Michael Kuzak : If I thought you had me beat, I'd go in there and have a mistrial declared right now.

  Richard Mathers : You wanna turn me in, turn me in. But don't threaten to expose me as a way to jack up my client.

  Michael Kuzak : No settlement?

  Richard Mathers : On the terms you're offering. No chance.

  Michael Kuzak : Okay!

  Richard Mathers : What are you gonna do?

  [Mr. Kuzak is going to return to the courtroom. Mr. Mathers an unlicensed attorney will be alone in the witness room. Mr. Mathers will find out that he never passed the bar]