Married... with Children (TV Series)

All-Nite Security Dude (1991)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Spare Tire Dixon : It should have been mine, Bundy. Headlines should have read: "Spare Tire crushes unidentified white man on goal line." I was supposed to play college ball, but it never happened. Know why?

  Al Bundy : Too stupid?

  Spare Tire Dixon : Well, it was because after that game, I fell into a deep depression. And I turned where too many players before me had turned to drown their sorrows: pie. Come tryouts, I could no longer get in a three-point stance unless there was a pie on the floor. My career was over. You stole the glory that should have been mine.

  Al Bundy : I had a little bit of glory, yeah. But you had pie, and I haven't eaten in twenty years! I'd give you that trophy now for a piece of pie! So pardon me if I don't cry for you, Argentina, but I sell women's shoes, AND I'm married!

  Spare Tire Dixon : Oh, yeah? Well, I bet your mother-in-law doesn't look like this.

  [takes out his wallet and shows Al a photo that makes him gasp and reel momentarily] 

  Al Bundy : No, my mother in law looks like THIS!

  [takes out his own wallet with his own picture] 

  Spare Tire Dixon : [aghast]  Okay, okay!

• [last lines] 

  Spare Tire Dixon : [panting]  Nice run, Bundy.

  Al Bundy : [panting]  Nice... nice hit, Spare Tire.

  Spare Tire Dixon : We were two pretty good athletes back then, weren't we?

  Al Bundy : Hey, we're still great athletes!

  [pause] 

  Al Bundy : I'm hurt real bad, you know.

  Spare Tire Dixon : Me, too.

  Al Bundy : I can't get up.

  Spare Tire Dixon : Me neither.

  Al Bundy : Sleepy-time now?

  Spare Tire Dixon : Oh, yes.

  [They both pass out on the floor] 

• Al Bundy : There were the final two players, yours truly, and a player from Andrew Johnson High they called "Spare Tire."

  Bud Bundy : Why? Because he was fat?

  Al Bundy : No, because he wore one, with a chain, around his neck.

• Al Bundy : You know that new aerobics center up above me? The one with the sign, "quarter ton discount"? Well, today they played Van Halen's "Jump." And damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful, Peg. The ceiling opened up, down they came, blocking out the sun. I experienced cellulite winter. God, the "humongity." Peg, I could have been killed.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, I think you got what you deserved, going by there every morning yelling "is that a Milky Way on the floor?"