- Al: Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights?
- Marcy: Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress.
- Al: Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that.
- [Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress]
- Kelly: Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn.
- Al: Sure, have a good time pumpkin.
- [Kelly exits]
- Al: Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it.
- [the phone rings]
- Al: Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there.
- TV Announcer: Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman".
- Al: [skyward] Good one.
- [Al has his head propped up on two beer bottles]
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Well Al, you're looking better. You've stopped air-guitaring "It's a Small World".
- Al: Yeah, it's the beer. Turns out, the brain doesn't need blood. Just gotta keep the brain wet. So what's going on?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, we were up 5 grand, and I said we should take the money and leave, but you said "Damn a unified Germany, play on."
- [Kelly needs money for her stake in a pool bet; Al zombie-walks into the bar, with gauze taped up the length of both arms]
- Kelly: Daddy, you look so pale.
- Al: Perhaps that's because I've been running all over town, selling pints of blood to nine blood banks.
- Jefferson: Al, the human body only holds eight pints.
- Al: Well, that's what they say, but the brain hides some!
- Bud Bundy: Dad, you got a minute?
- Al: For you, Bud? Nah.
- Bud Bundy: I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?
- Al: Mommy's second little joke on me?
- Bud Bundy: The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.
- Al: Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...
- Bud Bundy: That's Grandmaster, you fool!
- Al: Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street.
- [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat]
- Al: Yo, I'm broke!
- Bud Bundy: The Grandmaster will not forget this.
- Al: [delirious] Remember, pumpkin, that the fate of not only King Charles, but of the entire Restoration, lies on this shot... this tape will self-destruct in five seconds.
- [faints]
- [Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp]
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter in action, she's...
- [Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table]
- Al: Say goodnight, Super Fly.
- Kelly: [comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?
- Al: Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.
- Al Bundy: I tried to succeed, but failure is in my blood. Guess I don't have to worry about that any more.