Married... with Children (TV Series)

Grime and Punishment (1997)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Al is under house arrest in his basement] 

  Peggy : Oh, Al. It's time for your conjugal visit.

  Al : No! No! Help Me!

  Peggy : Shut up, Al! You're my bitch now!

• Bud : Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck.

  Al : No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.

• Bud : Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start.

  [Bud removes the wire from Al's neck] 

  Al : Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys.

  Bud : Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?

• Health Inspector : Mr. Bundy, you had a month to get this basement in shape.

  Al : You had your whole life to get in shape and you don't see me condemning you.

• Bud : Why aren't there any pictures of me in here?

  Al : Well frankly son, you were one uuugly baby.

  Peggy : I thought you were beautiful.

  Al : Ah come on Peg, you used to diaper his face.

• Bud : I can't believe that didn't break you.

  Al : You forget who I'm married to. Torture is my middle name.

• Al : Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with your tongue.

  Bud : This is what you call a pat on the back?

  Al : No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN. That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my old man, sweet guy. Sold my Schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in a wheelchair.

• Al : Ok Peg, I tried to use our ATM card. I stuck it in, it spit it out, and it laughed at me.

• Bud : Why me? Why don't you charge Kelly rent or mom?

  Al : Well son, Kelly hasn't slept here in years.

• Health Inspector : This is an electronic mobility limitation device. It'll prevent you from leaving the premises.

  Al : Much like your hips in a turnstile.