Married... with Children (TV Series)

Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Quotes 

• Peggy : My parents had a terrible fight and now Mom left and Dad can't find her.

  Al : Did he look behind the Rockies?

• Al : You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.

  Peggy : Mom does not eat between meals.

  Al : Oh no, Peg, because in order for her to eat between meals, the first meal has to end.

• Peggy : Al, don't you know how traumatic this is for me? I now come from a broken home.

  Al : [indicating the bent-out stair railing]  As do I.

  Peggy : Oh, give Mom a break. She's distraught.

  Al : She is humongous!

  Peg's Mom : [voice-over]  I'm just retaining water.

  Al : [quitely]  The Hoover Dam is retaining water. She's retaining Skittles!

  Peg's Mom : [voice]  Did someone say "Skittles"? Now I'm hungry again.

• Al : [referring to Peg's mother]  Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mother any more.

• Peggy : I've always wanted some place where I could stretch out and do nothing.

  Al : Well get in the car, I'll take you to the morgue.

• Jefferson : Come on, Al, you should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man.

  Al : My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole. Besides, as bad as this is, you just know that something worse is gonna happen. Don't you know all horrible things happen in threes: celebrity deaths, Pauly Shore movies, Wilson Phillips. In my own case: marrying Peg, Bud not moving out and, 3... 2... 1...

  Peggy : Al, something horrible has happened.

  Al : The hell you say.

• Al : Who the hell would put a bear-trap in an outhouse?

  Ephraim Wanker : They wouldn't. That ain't no bear-trap, that's a human-trap.

  Al : Well, why would you want to trap a human?

  Ephraim Wanker : I don't know, ask the bears, them was the ones who put it in there.

• Al : Hey, Ephrum, hang on a second. You know, you're a braver man than I am. If my wife left me I'd be dancing on the deck of the Good Ship Hooter-Pop. With a smile on my face, and my face on a smile. Ah, the times that I'd have. But you know, in a strange way I have to respect your loyalty. It's not every man who would stand by a woman who's large enough to have her own fire escape. No, Ephrum, I've gotta hand it to you. You're...

  [He notices Ephraim isn't there] 

  Al : Gone. Ephrum, get back here, you son of an onion.

• Al : Somehow or another, someone, I'm not saying who, said something about Good Ship Hooter-Pop, and before you know it, there was a 70-year-old hillbilly popping wheelies on a thresher and saying how he'd never marry a family member again.

  Peggy : This is all your fault. You have ruined a perfectly happy marriage.

  Al : Yet I remain in a perfectly dreadful one.

• Peggy : Al, you failed me. You failed to bring Dad back here so he could take her back. You know what this means?

  Al : [whimpering]  Oh no, not sex Peg! Please, I just need a little more time until I find him.

  Peggy : No, not that. I want you to help me give Mom a sitz bath.

  [Al's eyes widen with horror] 

  Al : Can't we just have sex instead?

• Peggy : If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this

  [gestures at herself] 

  Peggy : to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail. You know what this means.

  [She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs] 

  Al : [panicked]  Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg. Please, I just need a little more time. I'll find him.

  Peggy : I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath.

  [Al's eyes widen in horror] 

  Al : Can't we have sex instead?

• Jefferson : So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes?

  Al : Right here.

  Marcy : Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife.

  Al : No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.

• Al : I'll even throw in a pair of my shoes.

  Ephraim Wanker : Will ya show me how they work, too?

• Al : It's a special edition, Big 'Uns Behind Bars. In my humble opinion, best damn magazine ever published.