- DCI Tom Barnaby: Every time I go into any Midsomer village, it's always the same thing: blackmail, sexual deviancy, suicide, and murder. How could you possibly expect me to go and live in one of them?
- [Barnaby and Troy have just spotted Joyce Barnaby house hunting]
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, please Lord. Not Fletcher's Cross.
- Cully Barnaby: And what about the case, Dad? Mum told me. What was her name?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Tara Cavendish, bludgeoned to death with a cricket bat. I'd have been less surprised if it would have been her husband, Robert, who'd come to a sticky end.
- Cully Barnaby: What's wrong with him?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: He's the sort of man you can't help disliking. He owned the quarry that seems to be the center of everything. He closed it down. There were redundancies.
- Joyce Barnaby: You don't kill somebody because they made you redundant.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Not in the town, dear, but this is the country. And in the country, anything goes.
- Joyce Barnaby: By the way, Tom. I think I've found the perfect house.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh no.
- Joyce Barnaby: It's a lovely cottage in Badger's Drift. It's got two bedrooms, two living rooms and a conservatory.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Conservatory? Sounds like something out of Cluedo.
- Cully Barnaby: Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: You told Sergeant Troy about an accident that happened in the quarry about nine years ago.
- Ian Frasier: [to Troy] You never told me you were a police officer.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: You never asked.
- Joyce Barnaby: It's beautiful. What do you think, Tom?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: You want to know what I think?
- Joyce Barnaby: No, don't say anything.
- Cully Barnaby: Could just see you here, Dad. Join the local cricket team. Go out and bat for Fletcher's Cross every Saturday.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Careful what you say, young lady. This is all your fault.
- [first lines]
- Story Reader: There was once a land, far, far away that was ruled over by an evil king. All the people were slaves and nobody was ever allowed to have any fun.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: You are going to formally charge Steven Cavendish?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Your infinitives are splitting, Troy.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well done, Troy!
- Cully Barnaby: You didn't tell me Gavin played cricket.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: He obviously has hidden talents.
- [last lines]
- Joyce Barnaby: Here's one for you, Tom. It's a flat above a butcher's shop.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Cully] It's your round.
- Robert Cavendish: It's about time you people took this seriously. What rank did you say you were?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Detective Chief Inspector, sir.
- Robert Cavendish: Well, you could have turned up yesterday. But then I expect you take your weekends off.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: What time did your wife leave the house yesterday, Mr. Cavendish?
- Robert Cavendish: [motioning towards Troy] I've already told him all that.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes, I know that. But if you don't mind...
- Robert Cavendish: What was he for?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: No good? Not kind? It's his cricket bat, and he's lying. Do you want to go back and arrest him now?
- Jane Cavendish: Oooh, lovely. Chocolate. My absolute favorite.
- Tara Cavendish: I thought you preferred strawberry cheesecake, Jane.
- Jane Cavendish: Well... well I like them both, really. I like them all.