- DCI Tom Barnaby: Word of advice about your interviewing technique, Scott.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Uh, Sir?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sergeant. When taking statements from attractive female witnesses, it is not in the manual.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Drooling, Sir?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sir.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: What drooling?
- [last lines]
- DCI Tom Barnaby: So Bella's *not* going to throw herself into Lake Splendour then.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Huh.
- Benbow: What?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Like, uh, what's-her-name.
- [nods at pub sign]
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Jumping in the lake after her fiancé.
- Benbow: [laughs] Who told you that?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Michael Bannerman.
- Benbow: He was having you on. Girly never chucked herself into the lake. The old knight come back from the crusades. He goes straight to the manor, and there he sees *her* pleasuring his brother. So, he drags her from the bed, kills his brother stone dead, and then chucks girly into the lake.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Now that's what I call a happy ending
- [Sergeant Dan Scott has just made a date with Cully Barnaby, to attend an Ingmar Bergman film festival]
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Bergman, that's a bit heavy.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: I don't know... what, Casablanca - I could watch that again.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [nonplussed] Casablanca?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: [unabashed] Yeah. Ingrid Bergman's in Casablanca, isn't she?
- [DCI Tom Barnaby's look of confusion turns into a smile]
- Joyce Barnaby: It's a sort of stew.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Sort of stew? It's my favorite, Mrs. B.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: You driving, Scott?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes, sir.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Then you won't be wanting the wine, will you?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: The murderer must have known Stephen Bannerman was going to use that path.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: And Stephen wasn't exactly short of enemies, was he? Clive Cruickshank was in the pub the other night causing mayhem. Stephen threw him out, apparently.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: When did you find that out?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Well, I bumped into Bella Monday. She mentioned it.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, why didn't you tell me?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Sorry, sir. It sort of slipped my mind. Anyway, Stephen was still alive at that point, so it didn't seem so important.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I will decide what is important, Sergeant.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes sir.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: And Scott?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Sir?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: If your mental faculties are going to go AWOL every time you bump into someone like Bella Monday, you and I are going to fall out big time, as you would say.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I believe you're trying to buy his garage.
- Lawrence Haggard: His garage is failing badly, Inspector. I made him a very generous offer.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you have some sort of business arrangement with Stephen Bannerman?
- Lawrence Haggard: We may have paid him the occasional consultancy fee, I suppose.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Consultancy fee? Yes, well, I see. It must be useful to have someone on board who knows the village, who's in debt, and so on, and might be susceptible to a generous offer.
- Lawrence Haggard: You need an edge in business.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Stephen help you buy that garage on the Causton road?
- Lawrence Haggard: Now you come to mention it, yes, I think he did.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Sells the cheapest petrol in the county, I'm told. It's no wonder Clive Cruickshank's garage is failing.
- Lawrence Haggard: You have done your homework, Inspector.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, you do need an edge in police work, Mr. Haggard.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: How's the Modsomer film festival coming along, then?
- Cully Barnaby: Oh, great! The erotica season sold out straight away.
- [slyly]
- Cully Barnaby: Don't worry, I saved you a couple of tickets.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [dourly] Oh you must be joking.
- Joyce Barnaby: [cheerfully] Oh, lovely! Thank you, darling!
- Sergeant Dan Scott: The... ah... the Maid in Splendor, what's that about?
- Michael Bannerman: Oh, that's a local legend! A young knight goes off to the Crusades before he can marry his beloved. And she vows to wait for him, but by the time he gets back, he's old, broken by war. She's still as beautiful as ever. Hasn't aged a day. So, to free her from her obligation, he dives into Lake Splendour and drowns.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Lake splendour?
- Michael Bannerman: Eh, that's a stagnant pond out by Hunter's Wood. The name's ironic, at least is these days.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: So the knight chucks himself in the pond, end of story?
- Michael Bannerman: No, no... no, the maid was broken-hearted. She still loved him, you see? Despite his age and infirmity. So she threw herself in the lake after him. Hence the Maid in Splendor.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: That's what I like: happy ending!
- DCI Tom Barnaby: You completely transformed this place, didn't you?
- Lorna Bannerman: We open next week. Drop in for a drink on the house.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I don't think so. Actually, I preferred it the way it was.
- Benbow: No work clothes. Do all my drinking at The Cricketers in Badger's Drift.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Lucky Badger's Drift.
- Benbow: Here, I hear Audrey Monday is going to prison. A terrible business.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes, terrible. You're lucky you're not going with her, Benbow.
- Benbow: What do you mean?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Squirreling away those cartridges. You had a bloody good idea where they came from, didn't you?
- Benbow: No, I never.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: You cross us in the future, old man, I'll fix you up good and proper.
- Benbow: All right, all right. Keep your hair on.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: This is the sort of place you'd bring Totty, when you got nowhere else to go.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [sardonically] As beautifully put, as ever.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: [beaming] Thank you sir!
- [Stephen Bannerman is relishing the closure of the Maid in Splendour's bar in the snug]
- Stephen Bannerman: You ever wonder why you lot are the only ones who use this bar? Because people come in, they see Worzel Gummidge here... an old dosser who smells like a badger's armpit...
- Benbow: Ooooohhh!
- DCI Tom Barnaby: What about you, Mr. Benbow? Did you know about it?
- Benbow: Me? No, no, no. I know about drinking in pubs. I don't know anything about selling them.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I think you know what goes on in Midsomer Worthy better than anyone else.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [watching Bella Monday drive past with Lawrence Haggard] So, Bella's not going to throw herself into Lake Splendor, then.
- Lawrence Haggard: Holland and Holland. Look at the chasing.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, yeah, it's lovely, that.
- Lawrence Haggard: 120K.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Each?
- Lawrence Haggard: Not really a gun person, are you, Inspector?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: In my job they only mean trouble.
- Lawrence Haggard: Yes, well, I suppose they do.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [doorbell rings] Now who on earth could that be?
- Cully Barnaby: It might be Dan.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Dan? Dan who?
- Cully Barnaby: Dan Scott, Dad. I bumped into him in Causton. He said he might be bringing some paperwork over this evening.
- Joyce Barnaby: [bell rings again] Well, don't just leave him standing on the doorstep, Tom.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: How does the boy do it? He can smell a free meal at 10 miles.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: That looks like the old cottage in the woods.
- Benbow: Ah yes. Michael used to rent it; hunting parties and that, and picnics in the summer. It was a real village in them days.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: In the good old days.
- Benbow: Well, I suppose they was, yes. The trouble is no one tells you the time, do they?
- [first lines]
- Michael Bannerman: Come in.
- Audrey Monday: Sorry, Michael. The extractor fan in the dining room has packed up again.
- Michael Bannerman: Well, you should speak to Stephen.
- Audrey Monday: I did. Yesterday.
- Michael Bannerman: All right, Audrey, I'll have a word.
- [pours himself a whiskey]
- Audrey Monday: It's not good for you, you know.
- Michael Bannerman: Oh, it's only a small one. Don't tell Stephen.
- Audrey Monday: I meant sitting in this room, looking at those photographs. It's three years, Michael. It's time you got on with your life.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: You also handed the pub over.
- Michael Bannerman: Yes, yes, yes... shown the red card.
- [DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott exit The Maid in Splendour]
- DCI Tom Barnaby: So, what do you make of that?
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Typical country boozers, sir. It's only yokels and nutters.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [in a sardonic tone] Thank you Scott, that's very useful.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: And as for the maid... bloke comes back from the war, his fiance's still a bit of a looker, so he jumps into the pond. And then she jumps in afterwards. I mean, you've gotta be kidding me!
- Sergeant Dan Scott: I'm sorry, I thought you said Ingrid Bergman.
- Cully Barnaby: Ingmar Bergman.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: Right, gotcha. So the bloke playing chess, he's supposed to be Death, is that it?
- Cully Barnaby: I don't know why you're pretending to be interested. You slept through most of it.
- Sergeant Dan Scott: No, I didn't.