Monk (TV Series)
Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (2004)
Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk
Photos
Quotes
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Adrian Monk : This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk : Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk : Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk : I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk : I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk : You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
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Adrian Monk : He was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming : Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk : Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming : How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk : It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk : Um...
Ambrose Monk : The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming : Wow.
Ambrose Monk : Which are found...
Adrian Monk : Um...
Ambrose Monk : Near water...
Sharona Fleming : Wow.
Ambrose Monk : Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming : Wow!
Adrian Monk : Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk : This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming : Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk : Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
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[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Adrian Monk : What's that for?
Sharona Fleming : For making my family seem normal.
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Sharona Fleming : Well, at least you two are talking.
Adrian Monk : Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that is it! I am never setting foot in that house again, okay? I have my own problems!
Sharona Fleming : Really? I never noticed.
Adrian Monk : Okay, now you're being sardonic.
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[Discussing their estranged father]
Ambrose Monk : Why aren't you out there looking for him?
Adrian Monk : Because I'm afraid I might find him.
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Sharona Fleming : You have a brother? What does he do?
Adrian Monk : He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.
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Adrian Monk : So, Ambrose, what am I...? Why am I here?
Ambrose Monk : Believe it or not, I need your help. It's about my next door neighbor. His name is Pat van Ranken.
Sharona Fleming : What about him?
Ambrose Monk : I'm eighty-five to ninety percent sure that he killed his wife.
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[Monk and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk : He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming : Why?
Adrian Monk : Well, obviously, he...
[he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken again]
Adrian Monk : You see, Sharona, what happened was...
[he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner]
Adrian Monk : I have no idea.
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[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
Bingo Addict : Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk : Uh, no, thank you.
Bingo Addict : Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk : No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
Bingo Addict : If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll with his shirt sleeve]
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Sharona Fleming : [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm his assistant, Sharona Fleming. Who's this? Hold on.
[to Monk]
Sharona Fleming : Adrian? You have a brother?
[pause; everyone looks up, surprised]
Adrian Monk : No.
Sharona Fleming : [into phone] I'm sorry, sir. You must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again]
Adrian Monk : Wait, wait, don't answer it! I... I might have a brother.
Sharona Fleming : You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk : I consider myself an only child. Look, we're not close. He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk : Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!
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[as Adrian is leaving]
Ambrose Monk : I love you.
Adrian Monk : [stops] Don't... say that. Don't you say that. I'm no expert, but I know that people who love each other, who care about each other, don't go *seven years* without calling. Especially when I needed you most! After Trudy.
Ambrose Monk : ...You think I didn't call because I didn't care?
Adrian Monk : Then why? What happened to you?
Ambrose Monk : Do you know why Trudy was in that parking garage on the day she died?
Adrian Monk : What are you saying?
Ambrose Monk : It was because of me.
Adrian Monk : You?
Ambrose Monk : She was doing me a favor. I needed cough medicine. I called her. I asked her to go...
Adrian Monk : Oh, my God...
Ambrose Monk : To the drugstore for me.
Adrian Monk : Don't do this.
Ambrose Monk : She wouldn't have been in that garage if it wasn't for me!
Adrian Monk : Oh, Ambrose...
Ambrose Monk : It was me, Adrian! It was me! It was my fault!
Adrian Monk : No, no.
Ambrose Monk : [sobbing] Adrian, it was my fault!
Adrian Monk : No, it was *not* your fault.
[Ambrose continues to cry, and Adrian hugs him]
Ambrose Monk : I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
Adrian Monk : It was not your fault.
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[Ambrose leads Adrian and Sharona into another room of the house]
Sharona Fleming : What is this?
Adrian Monk : Every newspaper since 1972.
[Sharona groans]
Ambrose Monk : I am as God made me.