- Ben Cartwheel: Hey, uh, water my horse, will you, son?
- Davy: Water your horse? I'm not a stable boy!
- Ben Cartwheel: I don't care about your mental condition; water my horse!
- [Having successfully driven off Black Bart and his minions]
- Cousin Lucy: I wouldn't be too happy about that; they'll be back.
- Micky: But WE won't!
- [laughs]
- Black Bart: Have ya had enough, Nesters?
- Mike: The name is Nesmith and if you're gonna scream it out here in the middle of a war, get it right. That's Nesmith!
- Peter: I thought Mike's name was Nester?
- Mike: N.A.P.K.Y.O.R.J.P.
- Aunt Kate Nesmith: No, no 'nester' means farmer. He's right, he means nesters.
- Mike: Oh? Oh, hey, I'm sorry, er, I didn't realize, you know, and it seems you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech.
- Aunt Kate Nesmith: Don't you remember your baby cousin Lucy?
- Mike: Huh? Lucy? Are you Lu- Well, what, well, what ever happened to the, the buck teeth, the knock kneed, stringy haired, bad complexion little girl that I used to hang around with?
- Aunt Kate Nesmith: That's your other cousin Clara, she still looks the same.
- Mike: Merciful heavens.
- Marshall: Hold it right there, masked man!
- Micky: Hey, don't you recognize the famous mask and the famous Indian companion Pronto and the famous silver bullets?
- Marshall: Hey, wait a minute, I think I do!
- Micky: Sure!
- Marshall: [grabs a piece of paper] Oh, here we are: The Lone Stranger.
- Micky: Right!
- Peter: Right!
- Marshall: Wanted for murder! You're under arrest!
- Micky: Huh? I think we're in a lot of trouble, Pronto.
- Peter: What do you mean, 'we', white man?
- Micky: [Micky and Peter walk into a saloon, where a blonde dancing girl throws herself at Micky] Not now, this is a family show!
- Mike: I'm taking this dirt into town and I'll have it analyzed. When I get back I'll know one of two things.
- Aunt Kate Nesmith: What's that?
- Mike: Well, either this dirt is the cause of all your trouble, or I'm getting my hands dirty for nothing.
- Mike: [Mike walks up to the bartender at the saloon] Eh, hello, can you tell me where the assayer's office is?
- Bartender: [suddenly the bartender has a green cap on his head and a sign on the counter that says 'Assayer'] This is it.
- Mike: Oh, well, what I'd like is to have that analyzed. Could you tell me what that is?
- Bartender: [hands him a jar of dirt from the Nesmith farm] I don't have to analyze it, I can tell you what it is right now.
- Mike: Well, what?
- Bartender: It's guk! And it's disgusting, go and get it outta here.
- Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
- Mike: Kate, you started this ranch with a handful of dirt and a dream. Now, with this oil we found, you'll be one of the wealthiest ranchers in Texas. Not to mention having the dirtiest hands.
- Aunt Kate Nesmith: Ben Cartwheel is the kindest millionaire in the valley. He wouldn't hurt a fly.
- Micky: Flies, no. But if you're a human, he'll kill ya.