The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Vincent Price (1977)

Jim Henson: Kermit the Frog, Waldorf, The Newsman, Gloat, Shaky Sanchez

Quotes 

• Kermit the Frog : Hey, I always wanted to ask you - in all your old movies you turn into a vampire; how do you do that?

  [Vicent opens his mouth to reveal a pair of fangs; the audience of Muppet monsters cheer] 

  Kermit the Frog : Wow. How do you do that?

  Vincent Price : Well, if you will forgive my modesty, Kermit, that is the talent of the actor's. You see, it requires immense capability, years of emotional training, and vast physical concentration. Understand?

  Kermit the Frog : [with a mouth sporting vampire's fangs]  Oh, sure.

  [chuckles] 

  Vincent Price : Oh, well, some people learn faster than others.

  [Kermit bites his neck] 

  Vincent Price : AHHHHH!

• Statler : That number scared the pants off of me.

  Waldorf : Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on again?

• The Newsman : Here's a Muppet News Flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.

  [the camera pulls back to reveal the show being watched by a man at home] 

  The Newsman : When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News Central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.

  [suddenly, the cushion the man is sitting on comes to life and tries to attack him] 

  The Newsman : Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible.

  [the man tries vainly to beat the cushion with a newspaper] 

  The Newsman : Science tells all that inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.

  [suddenly, the man's cabinet comes to life, growing angry eyes and teeth and comes at him, growling] 

  The Newsman : Still, these groundless rumors persist.

  [the furniture monsters chase the man out of the room] 

  The Newsman : The mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling furniphobia, a dread fear of the rising price of home furnishings. The phenomenon does seem to relate to the cost of living increase during the past month.

  [the man returns to the room, with the furniture monsters gone] 

  The Newsman : But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster. And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Good night.

  [suddenly, static appears on the TV screen as it goes blank and the TV grows eyes and sharp teeth and eats the man; cut to the Muppet news studio] 

  The Newsman : That last item about furniture is ridiculous.

  [suddenly, the news desk comes to life and eats the Newsman] 

• Kermit the Frog : Be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary, because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr. Vincent Price. So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness.

  [Fozzie hits him in the face with a pie] 

• Statler : Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk.

  Waldorf : Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.

  Statler : Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world.

  Waldorf : Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible.

  [Thudge McGerk suddenly shows up between Statler and Waldorf] 

  Statler : No!

  [jumps out of his balcony seat and lands on the floor] 

  Waldorf : Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn.

  [Incoherent babbling] 

  Waldorf : With butter.

  Thudge McGerk : Ha!

• Statler : Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk.

  Waldorf : Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.

  Statler : Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world.

  Waldorf : Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible.

  Statler : No!

  [jumps out of his balcony seat and lands on the floor] 

  Waldorf : Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn.

  Thudge McGerk : [Incoherent gibberish] 

  Waldorf : With butter.

  Thudge McGerk : Ha!

• Scooter : Hey boss, there's someone here wanting to audition.

  Kermit the Frog : Okay. Who is he?

  Scooter : Well, it's not exactly a he.

  Kermit the Frog : Okay, who is she?

  Scooter : Well, it's not exactly a she.

  Kermit the Frog : Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities. Would you please explain yourself?

  Scooter : Well, it's sort of a they.

  Kermit the Frog : Ah, you mean there's more than one.

  Scooter : Not really.

  Kermit the Frog : This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer. SCOOTER, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  Scooter : Uh, that.

  [He indicates to a three-headed monster] 

  Behemoth : Hi, Mr. Frog. Can we be on your show?

  Kermit the Frog : Good grief. It's a triple-header!