- Seth Cohen: The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
- Seth Cohen: I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.
- Marissa Cooper: Well, if it isn't the wicked witch of the west coast.
- Julie Cooper-Nichol: Are you drunk?
- [to D.J]
- Julie Cooper-Nichol: Let me guess: tequila?
- D.J.: She was like this when I picked her up.
- Marissa Cooper: You don't have to defend youself to her.
- Julie Cooper-Nichol: No, but you do young lady!
- Marissa Cooper: Come on, let's go D.J. before she tries to sleep with you next.
- Julie Cooper-Nichol: What did you say?
- Marissa Cooper: You heard me you whore! You know let's do it. Let's tell everyone right here!
- [to Jimmy]
- Marissa Cooper: You know, let's tell everyone why you're leaving Dad. Why don't you tell everyone why you're leaving?
- Julie Cooper-Nichol: Marissa...
- Marissa Cooper: Get off me!
- Julie Cooper-Nichol: [to Jimmy] You see what you're leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is?
- Marissa Cooper: Of course I'm screwed up! I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut! I just hate you both so much!
- [Seth and Ryan get home and Seth is drunk]
- Seth: Oh, I know who lives here.
- Ryan: Yeah.
- Seth: It's the Cohen residence in the hizzy.
- Ryan: [stops car in the drive-way] Okay, we gotta be really stealth here.
- Seth: Hey,I was on camp capture the flag, Camp Takahoa, I invented the stealth.
- Ryan: [smiles] Right, you did.
- Seth: I sure did.
- Ryan: But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.
- Seth: I haven't been this wased
- [whispers]
- Seth: since you first night in Newport, when we beat up those kids.
- [gets louder]
- Seth: With a little bit, little bit of that,
- [getting out of the car]
- Seth: With a little bit of thaaat Little bit of that.
- [falls on trash cans]
- Sandy: What's going on? You guys okay? Seth?
- Seth: [gets up] Shhh! We're being stealth. Shh.
- [jumps on the car hood and flips]