- Charley: Boy, wait 'til I tell all the guys that I met Howard Cosell and Oscar Madison.
- Howard Cosell: Make sure you tell them in that order, Charley.
- Howard Cosell: [Cosell suddenly shoves a broadcast mike in front of Oscar, and he freezes, unable to speak] There's nothing wrong with your television sets, Ladies and Gentleman. It's just Oscar Madison telling you all he knows about football.
- Howard Cosell: [after Felix's rambling broadcast] Ladies and Gentlemen, let me recap the three plays you just missed.
- Oscar Madison: [after a fight with Howard Cosell, Oscar decides to write an unflattering column] Here, read it.
- Felix Unger: What?
- Oscar Madison: Read it!
- Felix Unger: [reading] An Open Apology to Howard Cosell. Dear Howard... I admit writing in the past columns that fans have called you, among other things, a babbling baboon, gentleman jerk, the mouth that roared, kid nausea, etc., etc. I must apologize. That's not true, Howie. That's not what the fans call you. That's what your friends call you! What the fans call you cannot be printed...
- Oscar Madison: [Oscar tries to convince Cosell to apologize to Felix and reconsider doing a commercial for Felix's agency] Howie, do it for me.
- Howard Cosell: No!
- Oscar Madison: For old times sake.
- Oscar Madison: [he slowly walks over to Boy Scout Charley, who is sitting in with Cosell after winning a Scouting contest, and takes Charley's angelic face in his hands] Howie, do it... do it for the Scouts. Do it for the Scouts who are kind, and cheerful, and obedient. Do it for the Scouts who look up to you as a kind, good, forgiving man.
- Howard Cosell: You don't care how low you stoop! I'll do it.
- Oscar Madison: [ebullient] Oh, thank you, Howard. I always said you were one of my favorite people.
- Charley: Mr Madison.
- Oscar Madison: Yeah?
- Charley: Boy Scouts are also truthful.
- Oscar Madison: Oh, I got thrown out for lying.