Quotes
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Mark Corrigan : So, Super Hans, what have you been up to?
Super Hans : Long weekend looking into the mirror.
Mark Corrigan : Oh right, bit of soul-searching, was it?
Super Hans : Cocaine, Mark. Cocaine.
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Nancy : Oh, Jez, I was wondering if you could sleep on the couch tonight. I'm on my way to see Metallica at Wembley Arena and I've taken a couple of E's so I'll gonna start feeling pretty horny soon, and if I meet somebody, which, um, you know, I probably will, we'll wanna come back and bone. So, I'll need the bed. Later.
Jeremy Usborne : [meekly] See you later.
Nancy : Oh, by the way, we need milk. Later, Mark.
Mark Corrigan : Uh, OK, later.
[she leaves]
Mark Corrigan : Metallica? Milk? Is everything all right?
Jeremy Usborne : [sheepishly] I had an affair with Toni by mistake and Nancy found out because I told her.
Mark Corrigan : Why?
Jeremy Usborne : Because of stupid honesty. And now we're going to stay married but apparentely our relationship is nothing more than a husk.
Mark Corrigan : A husk? That doesn't sound good.
Jeremy Usborne : Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
Mark Corrigan : Honestly?
Jeremy Usborne : Quite honestly, not brutally honestly.
Mark Corrigan : Then... yeah, absolutely.
Jeremy Usborne : Cheers, mate.
Mark Corrigan : No problem, mate.
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Jeremy Usborne : Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to "relax" him for his speech.
Mark Corrigan : It didn't relax him?
[Jeremy opens a toilet cubicle door to reveal an extremely high Super Hans twitching inside]
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Sophie Chapman : How's your love life?
Mark Corrigan : "Love life" may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.
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Mark Corrigan : So... ladies and gentlemen, you'll forgive me, I haven't prepared a proper speech, but then perhaps that's appropriate since this isn't a proper wedding... or so the cynics may say. But I say to those cynics, listen cynics, this is the modern world and just because it's new and strange and unnerving doesn't mean it's not... brilliant. In Ancient Rome they had Cupid, in modern days it's the Home Office. Love is blind. That's not a joke about David Blunkett.
[a few people laugh]
Mark Corrigan : No seriously, I would never make that joke. So, I say to Jeremy and...
[to Jeremy]
Mark Corrigan : Where's Nancy?
Jeremy Usborne : Job interview, health club. It's a biggie.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, OK. I say to Nancy, good luck with the interview, and I say to Jeremy, good luck with the marriage. And I think the rest of us can unite in all saying "Two fingers to the cynics" and raising our glasses to true love.
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[Mark is at Sophie's place with a couple of her friends but her now ex-boyfriend Jeff has come round to collect his stuff and is spoiling the evening]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Shit, this is just not normal. Someone's got to do something.
[looking at Sam the Buddhist]
Mark Corrigan : He's gonna just stand there like Jeff's the invading Chinese army.
[looking at Sophie and Karen]
Mark Corrigan : They're women, that old get-out. Oh God, it's got to be me!
[he gets up]
Mark Corrigan : Listen Jeff. I, er, I think, you know, it's time you left.
Jeff Heaney : Oh, really? And what are you gonna do about it, exactly?
Mark Corrigan : What am I gonna do?
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : What am I gonna do?
[to Jeff]
Mark Corrigan : Nothing. Except stand here, like a civilised man, and wait for you to do the civilised thing and leave.
[Jeff looks at him, then looks at Sophie]
Jeff Heaney : [meekly] Yeah, well, I'll just be getting some CDs out the bedroom.
[he quietly leaves the room]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Brilliant. Probably looks like I was ready to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield.
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[At Jeremy and Nancy's wedding service]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] There he goes, dead man walking. I tried, I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes, like Dad did with me and the strimmer.
Tony : She looks lovely, doesn't he?
Mark Corrigan : Yeah.
Toni : Jesus. Didn't realise I was with the fucking Nancy Appreciation Society. Tony, if you'd like to bang her, why don't you just come out and say it?
Tony : OK. I would like to bang her.
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Mark Corrigan : It was good to see you in Gino's. Got over the twitch, by the way. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me.
[Karen giggles]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Hey, look at me go, I'm charming!
[to Karen]
Mark Corrigan : Yeah, so, sorry if I was acting a bit weird. I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime.
Karen : Well, that sounds nice.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.
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Mark Corrigan : If you ever want to call me about anything, then I'm in the book. Mark Corrigan.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Too formal. Lighten things up.
[he winks at her]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Light, not slimy! Ohh, can't retract the wink. Unless...
[he twitches his eyelids]
Mark Corrigan : See you.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Brilliant. The twitching freak, works every time.
