- Larry Appleton: I studied journalism in college. I know the five W's of reporting... who, what, how, when... how? No, how's an H. How... what... who... who... hoo boy, I'm in trouble!"
- Larry Appleton: [Speaking to Balki] Be careful. Gorpley told his secretary he's going to get rid of the kid from Mypos today.
- Balki Bartokomous: Oooh! Point well taken, Cousin!
- [Larry starts to walk away, and Balki gasps as something occurs to him]
- Balki Bartokomous: Do you think he means me?
- Lance: Is this elevator going up?
- [note they are in the basement]
- Harriette Winslow: No, this week it's going sideways!
- Larry Appleton: Harriette runs the elevator here.
- Balki Bartokomous: [to Harriette] Oh, well your job must have its ups and downs!
- Mr. Sam Gorpley: Oh, I get it! Cousin! I see, it's all falling into place.
- Balki Bartokomous: What's falling into place?
- Mr. Sam Gorpley: Can you say, "Nepotism"?
- Balki Bartokomous: Well, it's my first day, but I'll give it a..."
- Larry Appleton: [interrupting Balki] Nepotism?
- Balki Bartokomous: He asked me!
- Balki Bartokomous: Is that a hockey puck?
- Balki Bartokomous: Yes, Cousin. It landed right next to me in that empty seat. It's a good thing you weren't there... you'd have a puck-shaped hole in the middle of your head and look like a piggy bank!