Queer as Folk (TV Series)
No Bris, No Shirt, No Service (2000)
Scott Lowell: Ted Schmidt
Photos
Quotes
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Emmett Honeycutt : Isn't he gorgeous? His name is Katsuo.
Katsuo : [holding a glass of juice in his hand] Jews?
Emmett Honeycutt : No, no, no.
[pointing at the Jewish people at the brisk]
Emmett Honeycutt : Jews.
[pointing at the glass]
Emmett Honeycutt : Juice. Okay?
[Emmett turns to Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt : He gives "Pacific Rim", a whole new meaning.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Where did you find him?
Emmett Honeycutt : He found me. I was having drinks in the losers lounge. He comes over, starts chattering away. Only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota".
Michael : So how do you communicate with him?
Emmett Honeycutt : There's other ways than talking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.
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Katsuo : [Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come.
[guiding him to Melanie]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : [talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate.
[to Katsuo]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers.
[Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]
Michael : He keeps saying "Kane".
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : Yeah...
[pulling Michael away from Katsuo]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.
Michael : For what?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : He's a God damned male prostitute!
Michael : Oh, shit!
Katsuo : [Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!
Emmett Honeycutt : Come, come, sweetie.
Michael : Melanie says, "Kane" means...
[long pause]
Michael : ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.
Emmett Honeycutt : That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.
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Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the brisk.
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, I love pot roast.
[Rabbi Protesh laughs.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : That's "brisket"! I believe in the Jewish faith the "brisk" is a circumcision ceremony.
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Michael : Where's Brian?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Looking after the only dick that matters. - His own.
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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I've always said there're only two reasons to be friends with lesbians: They'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is that you haven't met the right woman, and ah... they know how to change a flat.
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Michael : ...I know that guy. He works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
Michael : Because he's looking back.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Probably just stretching his neck.
Michael : Will you listen to you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What?
Michael : Always putting yourself down!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.
Michael : Doesn't sound like it. You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability of a guy named "Blake" who looks like that, actually liking a guy named "Ted", who looks like me to be in the... point zero five percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.
Michael : How do you know that?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Because Brian's everybody's type. Which explains why he's had everybody.
Michael : Wha...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I know, I know. Except for you. Which is kind of weird when you think about it.
Michael : Weird? He's my best friend!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : So?
Michael : So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah. People you will never see again - unless you just bump into him on the street. But never with someone you might actually give a shit about.
[pause]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Who made us these crazy rules, anyway, huh?
Michael : Beats me. Let's go have a drink.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Or two or three.
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Michael : [Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.] Double shit!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What now?
Michael : It's him, our teen stalker! Christ, why won't be just go away?
Justin Taylor : [to Debbie] Remember me?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.
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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [talking to a trick] Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it.
[talking to another trick]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?
Michael : Yeah, I'll take a beer.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [shocked, turning back to the source of voice] Oh, it's you.
Michael : Oh, fuck you!
[smiling like a crazy person]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What are you on?
Michael : Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Oh, I'm headed for an all-time season record: Eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.
Michael : Blake just winked at you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.
Michael : He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : 'Cause he'll just say, "Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction".
Michael : You do not need a hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.