Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Ted's Not Dead (2000)
Peter Paige: Emmett Honeycutt
Quotes
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Brian Kinney : [about Ted, who is in a coma] You know, he is a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.
Michael Novotny : You had sex with Ted?
Emmett Honeycutt : You never had sex with Ted!
Michael Novotny : When did you have sex with...?
Brian Kinney : Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.
Michael Novotny : Semi? When?
Brian Kinney : You know that weekend that John-John's plane went down?
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, God. They kept showing him on the beach with his shirt off. I didn't know whether to jerk off or weep.
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Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett, Michael and Brian are in the steam bath, where a guy with a great ass passes in front of them.] Why I can't get my glutes to look like that?
Michael Novotny : Maybe you're not properly visualized in the muscle group.
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, I'm visualizing it alright. On my face.
Brian Kinney : [about being Ted's power of attorney] Why me? Why not his mother? Why not you?
Emmett Honeycutt : Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning. Who in their right mind would give me power of life and death?
Michael Novotny : I couldn't do it, either.
Brian Kinney : I don't even like Ted.
Michael Novotny : Oh, come on! You do so!
Brian Kinney : Not enough to be responsible for his fucking life.
Emmett Honeycutt : Well he must have wanted you for a reason.
Michael Novotny : Maybe he's secretly in love with you.
Brian Kinney : "I love you, I'm comatose: kill me".
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Michael Novotny : So what do you think it means?
Emmett Honeycutt : I think it means he likes you.
Michael Novotny : I think it means he loves me.
Emmett Honeycutt : Kind of flattering, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics.
Michael Novotny : It's just that... All this time, I... I never knew.
Emmett Honeycutt : [softly] There's a lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, did you know..., I used to walk down the street in Hazlehurst, Mississippi, and the postman would spit at me?
Michael Novotny : I don't know where my father was born... Or even who he is.
Emmett Honeycutt : I sat with my dead grandma for an hour, and held her hand before I told anyone she was dead.
[Michael reaches over to hold Emmett's hand.]
Emmett Honeycutt : How come we never tell each other these things, huh?
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Emmett Honeycutt : [in leather] I feel like a nineteen ninety one Madonna video.
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Michael Novotny : You went home with...
Emmett Honeycutt : An undertaker. Uh-hmm.
Brian Kinney : I fucked an undertaker once.
Michael Novotny : You did? When?
Brian Kinney : He told me sometimes they sew the mouths shut.
[raising his eyebrow]
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Emmett Honeycutt : [to Brian and Michael] You know, when I go, promise you won't let them sew my mouth shut? Because when I get to heaven, and I meet Natalie Wood, I want to be able to say, "Natalie, it's Emmett. What happened that night?".
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Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett's handphone rings, and he answers it.] Torso.
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] It's me.
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] Oh, my God. Is he dead?
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] No, but he's gonna wish he was when he finds out his Mom's going to his condo tonight for pajamas.
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] Oh, shit! What if she finds his porn?
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] And his magazines. And remember his thirty-third birthday last year?
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone]
[laughing]
Emmett Honeycutt : When we gave him those thirty-three dildos, that was hilarious.
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] Well, it's not so funny anymore. We've gotta go there and find all thirty-three.
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] Wait.
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] What?
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] What if he's given some as hostess gifts?
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Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett and Michael are at Ted's home. Emmett moves the light on the table to another position.] That's better. I'm always telling him not everything in life needs to be centered.
Michael Novotny : We can redecorate later. His mother's coming!
[opening the fridge, throwing things out at Emmett]
Michael Novotny : Poppers, cheddar, Brie...
Emmett Honeycutt : I don't think there are particular strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael.
Michael Novotny : Fine, whatever. You check out the bedroom. I'll work out here.
Emmett Honeycutt : Okay.
Michael Novotny : Falcon...Falcon... "You've Got Mail"? He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?
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Emmett Honeycutt : [to Ted] Now, say it three times and click your heels: "Theres no place like home".
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Michael Novotny : Okay, just so you don't freak out... Your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all... in case your Mom found it.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Well, I expect all thirty-three back.
[to Emmett and Brian]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Cleaned.
Emmett Honeycutt : You should eat something, honey.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I'm not hungry.
Michael Novotny : We bought you a whole fucking chicken!
Brian Kinney : And you're gonna eat it.
Emmett Honeycutt : [to Brian] Oh, my God. Look at this. Who keeps lube in their front kitchen cabinet?