Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Better Than Life (1988)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Cat : [bursting in on Rimmer and Lister's heart-to-heart talk about their dead fathers]  Hey, there you are! Hey, man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat!

  Lister : Shh! Rimmer's dad's died.

  The Cat : Well, I'd prefer chicken.

• [a letter arrives] 

  Lister : "Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer"

  Rimmer : That's from my mother.

  Lister : Rear Admiral.

  Rimmer : Every time I take an exam I tell her I've passed, it's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.

• Holly : What's happening, dudes?

  Lister : Hi, Hol.

  Holly : Guess what?

  Rimmer : What?

  Holly : Go on. Have a guess.

  Rimmer : What is it vaguely about?

  Holly : No clues. Just have a guess.

  [Lister and Rimmer look puzzled] 

  Holly : I knew you wouldn't get it. The Post Pod's arrived.

  Rimmer : What? The mail?

  Holly : It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round, it's caught up.

  Lister : Do you mean it's taken three million years?

  Holly : Yeah. Just about average for second class post.

• Lister : [reading Rimmer's letter from his Mum]  'Dear Rimmer... '

  [shocked] 

  Lister : Is this from your Mum?

  Rimmer : That's Mumsie.

• Lister : Lister: I remember when my dad died, you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

• [Rimmer is feeling melancholy after discovering a letter telling him of his father's death] 

  Lister : You must have been pretty close.

  Rimmer : [voice cracks slightly]  Close?

  Lister : Sorry, very close.

  Rimmer : Close? I hated him! I detested his fat, stupid guts, the pop-eyed, balding git!

• [Rimmer owes the Outland Revenue G¸8,500] 

  Lister : Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?

  Rimmer : What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

• [Rimmer has tried to cook for the crew] 

  Lister : Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!

  Rimmer : True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite... superb!

  Lister : So how's the Cat?

  Rimmer : Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... he'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.

  Lister : The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon meringue Pie, man, what was in that?

  Rimmer : thought you liked that! You bought some back.

  Lister : Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!

• Rimmer : Look, Casablanca. They've remade Casablanca.

  Lister : Philistines! I mean, how can you remake Casablanca? The one starring Myra Binglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive!

  Holly : Yeah, I saw that one. Knockout. "Of all the space bars in all the worlds, you had to re-materialise in mine."

• [in the game "Better Than Life", Lister and Cat see Rimmer pulling up in an old Morris Minor estate car with Yvonne McGruder and seven young, unruly children] 

  Lister : Rimmer, what happened to you?

  Rimmer : Lister! Ah, this a great game, Lister. I couldn't be happier.

  The Cat : Who are all those guys?

  Rimmer : It's McGruder. She got pregnant. So this morning, she made me marry her and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss.

  Lister : Where's your E-Type?

  Rimmer : It was too impractical, with all the kids and everything.

  Lister : Rimmer, you fantasise that you have seven kids and a mortgage?

  [Rimmer grabs Lister and puts his face right up to his] 

  Rimmer : [weakly]  Help.

  Yvonne McGruder : Arn-old! Where are the nappy sacks?

  Rimmer : [his H has returned to his forehead and he has suddenly become unshaven and dirty]  My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness.

• Rimmer : [about his father]  He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times, he'd ask us questions on astro-navigation. If we got them wrong, no food.

  Lister : God, Rimmer. How did you cope with that?

  Rimmer : I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.