- [Rimmer addresses the crew before leaving for the Holoship]
- Rimmer: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say... that over the years I have come to regard you as... people... I met.
- [Lister is mocking a hologram who has just insulted the crew]
- Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, we have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin, absent presumed missing. Genitalia, small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest whatsoever.
- Commander Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human displays knowledge of satire and imitation. With patient tuition, could perhaps master simple tasks.
- Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummeling, could be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
- Commander Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human seems to be under the delusion that he is somehow capable of bestowing physical violence to a hologram.
- Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems blissfully unaware that we have a fairly sturdy holowhip in the Munitions cabinet.
- [Binks looks scared]
- Lister: And unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better become history in the next two seconds flat.
- The Cat: Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
- Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir. With just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields. And two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought that it was such a big one that it was worth mentioning twice.
- The Cat: Good point, well made.
- Cdr. Nirvanah Crane: [to Rimmer] You make love like a Japanese meal: small portions, but oh, so many courses.
- Kryten: You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us now. To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers.
- Rimmer: [after watching a Casablanca-style movie] I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I've ever been compelled to endure.
- Rimmer: Those kind of films really irritate me. Just not realistic. There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to hell with the woman. Total baloney.
- Lister: Rimmer, you said that about "King of Kings: The Story of Jesus".
- Rimmer: Well it's true, a simple carpenter's boy who learns how to do magic tricks like that and *doesn't* go into show business? Do any of us believe that, even for a second?
- Cdr. Nirvanah Crane: We discarded the concept of 'family' in the 25th century, when scientists finally proved that all our hang-ups and neuroses are caused by our parents.
- Rimmer: I knew it!
- Cdr. Nirvanah Crane: Families are disastrous for your mental health. So are relationships.
- Captain Hercule Platini: Attention candidates - to preserve the pure intellectual nature of this test, you will remain in separate suites. The questions will come through your headphones in a variety of different languages to confuse and disorientate you. There will be a total of 200,000 questions in this initial session. After you've completed the tasks at workstation A you may proceed to workstation B.
- Rimmer: I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously if it's all the same to you.
- Captain Hercule Platini: Mr. Rimmer, that is impossible.
- Rimmer: Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.
- Rimmer: [after undergoing a mind-patch to improve his IQ] Kryten! I was just thinking - assuming of course we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects in a basic Euclidean geometric universe, and given the essential premise that all geomathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two, and not as Astemeyer correctly postulates - that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts...
- [makes a strange scoffing noise]
- Rimmer: the theoretical shape described by Sidis must therefore be: polydridocdecaehedron, a hexasexahedroadicon, a dibidolihedecadodron.
- [scoffs again]
- Rimmer: Everything else is poppycock. Isn't that so?