Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Justice (1991)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Rimmer is showing Kryten a slideshow of his rambling holiday through Red Dwarf's diesel decks, while giving an in-depth commentary] 

  Kryten : [extremely bored]  Sir, could we take a break for a while? It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.

  Rimmer : Well, we're not going to get through them all, Kryten, if we take a second break.

  Kryten : Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.

• Rimmer : You're going to prove that I'm innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?

  The Cat : Man, there ain't a jury in the land who wouldn't buy a plea like that!

  Kryten : No, not a half-wit, exactly. More a buffoon.

• Rimmer : But I never got so much as a library book late! Second-degree murder? A 1,000 people? I would have remembered!

  Justice Computer voice : Your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, the Red Dwarf.

  Rimmer : Oh, that!

• Kryten : I ask the court one key question: Would the Space Core ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and small minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity...

  Rimmer : Objection.

  Justice Computer voice : Objection overruled.

  Kryten : ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...

  Rimmer : Objection.

  Justice Computer voice : Overruled.

  Kryten : ...an incompetent vending machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot.

  Rimmer : OBJECTION.

  Justice Computer voice : If you object to your own counsel once more Mr. Rimmer, you will be in contempt.

  Kryten : Who would allow this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment. The defence rests.

• Rimmer : What are you waiting for? Gloop him.

  Lister : I can't. He's not armed.

  Rimmer : Lister, this is not a scout meeting. We are not trying to win Best Behaved Troop Flag. Gloop him.

  Lister : What? In the back?

  Rimmer : Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.

  Lister : You mean you can happily kill him if he was asleep?

  Rimmer : I can happily kill him if he was on the job.

• Rimmer : Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?

• Lister : Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...

  Kryten : Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.

  Lister : I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.

  Rimmer : You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?

  Lister : Stole the entire room.

  Rimmer : Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!

• Lister : [Visiting Rimmer in jail]  Hi, killer.

  Rimmer : 9,000 years? Nine?

  Lister : I brought you a book.

  Rimmer : [Sarcastically]  Oh, thanks! That'll really help the centuries fly past!

• Kryten : I ask the court, look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions. This sad man. This pathetic man. This joke of a man.

  Rimmer : Kryten, you're going over the top. The court will never buy it.

  Kryten : Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork!

  Rimmer : [Grimaces, then agrees]  Understood.