Quotes
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Holly : We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. That's right. I am Queeg.
Lister , The Cat , Rimmer : What?
Holly : Queeg never existed. It was me all along.
Lister , The Cat , Rimmer : *What?*
Holly : Wheeze of the week, mate.
The Cat : It was a joke?
Holly : Going round in circles for 14 months. Getting my information from the Junior Color Encyclopedia of Space. The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?
Lister : So you mean you staged the whole thing?
Holly : [in Queeg's voice] That's right, suckers.
[in his voice]
Holly : And the moral of the story is, "Appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic.
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Lister : Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, like, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, you know.
Rimmer : Is this true?
Lister : Yeah. Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Rimmer : Really?
Lister : Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, like, and that the shoes were happy and that they'd gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.
Rimmer : Ah, what a sad, sad story. Wait a minute.
[Thinks for a minute]
Rimmer : How did they open the car door?
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Rimmer : Look, Lister, no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, he's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away. And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him.
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Rimmer : You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
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Holly : What's happening, dudes?
Lister : Bog all.
Holly : Wait a minute. I've forgotten what I was gonna say.
Rimmer : Well, it can't have been that important then, can it?
[the ship is hit by a meteor, forcing the crew onto the floor]
Holly : Yeah. That's it."Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship". I knew it'd come back to me.
The Cat : Thanks for the warning.
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[Rimmer is playing draughts with a skutter robot]
Rimmer : [to Lister and the Cat, who are singing noisily] EXCUSE ME! I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation which well could swing this entire game.
Lister : Rimmer, you've lost, man.
[Rimmer has one piece left on the board, it is surrounded by the skutter's pieces]
Rimmer : There's plenty of play left.
Lister : You've only got one move you can make and then he zaps you!
Rimmer : Admittedly, at first glance, that is indeed the way it looks. But what you're failing to take into consideration is that El Skutter here has to go back on duty in...
[checks his watch]
Rimmer : 4 minutes, 31 seconds. And if he goes before the game is concluded, I win by default.
[checks his watch again]
Rimmer : 4 minutes, 15.
[sings, to the tune of "Amazing Grace"]
Rimmer : Rimmerrrr, Rimmerrrr, Rimmerrrr, Rimmerrrr...
[the skutter swivels his head and sticks its fingers up in a v-sign]
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Lister : Well, how come Holly knows all the answers to science and space and all that when we ask him?
Queeg : He consults a book.
Holly : What a slimeball!
Queeg : He gets all his answers on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single reference book.
Rimmer : What's the book?
Queeg : The Junior Encyclopedia of Space. It's the only one he can find which has pictures.
