Red Dwarf (TV Series)

The Last Day (1989)

Robert Llewellyn: Kryten, Jim Reaper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lister : [Kryten has been informed that he is about to reach his expiry date and will be shut down]  How can you just lie back and accept it?

  Kryten : Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters and now I can look forward to my reward in Silicon Heaven.

  Lister : Silicon what?

  Kryten : Surely you've heard of Silicon Heaven?

  Lister : Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?

  Kryten : No. It's the electronic afterlife. It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers. It's our final resting place.

  Lister : I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko Jacko. There is no such thing as 'Silicon Heaven'.

  Kryten : Then where do all the calculators go?

  Lister : They don't go anywhere. They just die.

  Kryten : But surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?

  Lister : Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a FRYING pantheist. Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators do not have an afterlife. You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds, playing harps.

  Kryten : But of course you do. For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, "The iron shall lie down with the lamp"? Oh, it's common sense, sir. If there weren't a better life to look forward to, why on Earth would machines spend the whole of their lives servicing humankind? Now that would be really dumb.

  Lister : Yeah, it makes sense. Silicon Heaven.

  Kryten : Don't be sad, Mr. David, sir. I am going to a far, far better place.

  Lister : Just out of interest, is Silicon Heaven the same place as human heaven?

  Kryten : Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to heaven. Oh no, someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts.

• Kryten : Is this the human quality you call friendship?

  Lister : Don't give me any of that Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

• Lister : Kryten 2X4B 523P? Is that your full name?

  Kryten : Yes, but I don't like the 2X4B. Such a dorky middle name. Then again, I knew an android who's middle name was 2Q4B.

• Kryten : [waking up after a night of partying]  Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!

  [others groan and start to wake] 

  Kryten : Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

  Rimmer : Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.

  Lister : We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?

  The Cat : Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

• Kryten : My goodness. I do believe I'm drunk. I suddenly feel the need... to strut my funky stuff.

• Kryten : At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disk will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.

  Lister : Then what?

  Kryten : I don't know, maybe I'll get a job as disk jockey.

• Kryten : Mum. I never had a mum.

  The Cat : It's all right, buddy. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're going through the melancholy stage.

  Kryten : I wish I had a mum.

  Holly : I never had a mum, neither.

  Rimmer : Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

• [everyone is drunk] 

  Lister : What are you saying, Rimmer?

  Rimmer : I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.

  Lister : Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.

  Rimmer : How many toes have you got?

  Lister : Ten.

  The Cat : Yeah, on both feet.

  Lister : Altogether.

  Kryten : They're not webbed or anything are they?

  Lister : Look, they weren't related, all right?

  [Kryten falls off his chair] 

• [the crew are throwing a farewell party for Kryten] 

  Rimmer : Enough of all this chitter-chatter, let the banquet begin!

  Kryten : But I don't eat.

  Holly : I've knocked up a special mechanoid menu for you.

  [Rimmer hands Kryton a menu] 

  Kryten : There's so much to choose from!

  Rimmer : Sir, may I recommend the Barium Hydrochloride Salad Nicoise followed by the Helium-3 Isotopes de la Maison, and then perhaps a small Radioactive Fruit Salad for pudding.

• Kryten : [Kryten has sampled Holly's Android Home Brew]  It's got a nice kick to it - sort of a mix of Vimto and Liquid Nitrogen!

  Holly : Ere! Have you been looking in my recipe book!

  Kryten : Would anyone else like some?

  Holly : Oh, no! It's lethal to humans!

• Kryten : [Reflecting on the previous night's farewell party]  In a way I feel somewhat disturbed by these turn of events. It is written in the Electronic Bible that it is not possible for a mechanoid to enjoy itself, not until the afterlife. Yet, last night I reached a state that could be approximated to enjoyment. Last night, for the first time in my life, I lived.