Roseanne (TV Series)

April Fool's Day (1990)

John Goodman: Dan Conner, Self

Quotes 

• Dan : Okay hunny, come on.

  Roseanne : No! Dan. Uh, this stuff is impossible to understand! These laws and explaination of laws; no human being can really understand these things, you know! That's why you gotta go get some $200-an-hour lawyer to even explain the crap to you, you know, and I can't afford $200-an-hour!

  Ed - IRS Office Clerk : [shouts]  Hey, lady! We don't write the stinkin' laws! You got a complaint, talk to the idiots in Washington!

• [last lines] 

  John Goodman : Hi. I'm John Goodman, thank you. What you've just seen was a play. A silly little play, chalked full of jokes, and just for fun. Just for your entertainment. I personally have nothing but the utmost respect for the Internal Revenue Service, and all of it's dedicated workers. Because, you know, it's the great guys and gals at the I.R.S. that keep America rolling. See, it... it's like this; I got a contract, with a production company, and they hire writers who put words in my mouth. For example, early in the show, I go, uh, it was my "job" to say... it was, uh... "it's a stupid system, run by stupid people". Right, like I believe that! As a matter of fact, I, I don't believe anything I said on the show. It was my job... as an actor... So, I beg you, please do not confuse hard working, responsible, *tax-paying*, John Goodman... with that lovable, but, naughty scamp, Dan Conner. So, to the men and women at the IRS, my hat's off to ya. Good night! God bless.

• Roseanne : Hey, take my word for it. By midnight tonight, the taxes will be filed, and all this will be behind us; the tension, the anxiety, the *fraud*.

  Dan : Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people.

  Roseanne : Who were elected by even stupider people.

• Roseanne : Let's just go down to the I.R.S., and ask them in person.

  Dan : No, no, I can't, no way, no way. I can't go down to that building, it gives me the creeps. I just know... I'm gonna take one of those snotty little I.R.S. guys, and throw him through a window.

• Dan : [to Roseanne at the I.R.S. office]  Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?

• Roseanne : I mean, us people, the poor people, and us regular people, we're paying more taxes than the rich people, 'cause they got all the lawyers to figure out the loopholes! I wanna find loopholes!

  [crowd cheers in agreement] 

  Dan : [Dan is backing Roseanne out of line, and towards the door. He talks to the crowd while Roseanne argues with the supervisor]  Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.

  Roseanne : I mean, we give you our money, and you like, totally mismanage it worse than we ever could anyhow! I mean, the government is something like three trillion dollars in debt, I mean. I think I saw that on Donahue. It's like three tril... that would be like if you make $15,000 a year, okay, so you run up your Master Charge to, what, fifty grand, then can you even imagine, your monthly bill would be like $5,000 a month? I mean, it's insane. The whole thing is insane! I mean, someday us regular people, we ought to get smart, you know, and audit them!

• IRS Office Supervisor : I'm sorry Ma'am. Uh, I didn't get your name.

  Dan : [smiling]  You don't need her name.

  Roseanne : [Roseanne makes her way back up to the window]  No, Dan... I'm... I'm not gonna... be intimidated by that little weasel.

  Dan : Hunny, this isn't the unemployment office.

  Roseanne : [walking through the line]  No, no. I have nothing to hide. Excuse me, Rabbi.

  [standing at the window, to the IRS Supervisor] 

  Roseanne : I am not afraid to tell you my name... It's Wagner!

  [crowd applauds as she starts to leave, Dan whispers 'Mrs. Norris T' to Roseanne] 

  Roseanne : Mrs. Norris T. Wagner!

• Dan : [to Jackie]  You are really, *really* gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!

• Jackie : Okay! What if she is supposed to get a 1099 and it got lost in the mail? And then the IRS is going to check her on it, and you guys are gonna have to have an audit!

  [melodramatic music plays] 

  Jackie : And they don't go back one year, you know. They can go back, like, six years to audit.

  [melodramatic music plays again, and Roseanne tries to find the source] 

  Jackie : And if you can't document every single, solitary deduction for the last six years, you got to pay. And not only the adjusted tax, but the penalties and the interest. And in order to make sure that you pay, they can freeze your bank account. They can garnish your wages. They can auction off your furniture!

  Roseanne : They'll auction our furniture? Let's not file for sure.

  Dan : Come on, Roseanne, what are we gonna do about this 1099? I ain't in no mood for an audit.

  [melodramatic music plays] 

  Roseanne : I think we should get out of this house!