- Roseanne: No, the only thing I've ever wanted for my kids, is that they're happy, and... that they're out of the house. And I tell you what, happy ain't even *that* important.
- Dan: [about a statue Roseanne bought from the robbers] Oh here, take the pooch, Jer. Roseanne was going to return it anyway, but this way, you get it back in one piece.
- Jerry Bowman: Thanks, thanks, but uh, Kathy sorta had this idea that we should start a neighborhood watch.
- Dan: Well, I thought that's what happened, Jer; you got robbed, and the neighborhood watched.
- Jerry Bowman: Dan, uh, Kathy wants to put up an electric fence.
- Dan: An electric fence won't do you no good, Jerry. They're not gonna rob you again.
- Jerry Bowman: Well, it's not for burglars, it's for Roseanne.
- Dan: Electricity won't stop her, Jer, I've tried. Not much of a swimmer, though; you might wanna build a moat.
- Dan: [admiring a dalamation umbrella stand Roseanne brought home] You done good, hunny. This is a great piece of crap.
- Roseanne: Hey, you know, I'm really sorry, but I, I didn't know your house was getting robbed, or nothing. I mean, I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought I was doing something for charity.
- Kathy: A good thing. It was a *stupid* thing, Roseanne. It was the *stupidest* thing anybody has ever done, and you... are the *stupidest* woman on the face of the earth.
- Roseanne: Oh, oh yeah! I paid twenty bucks for that piece of crap, and you paid two hundred. That's stupid!
- Roseanne: [Jackie wants to know what's bugging Dan] Oh, you know, D.J.'s his only son, and he's got that thing where he wants D.J. to carry on the Conner name. You know, I told him that Becky'd probably have a couple of kids before she was married, and they'd be Conners, but that didn't help him any.